I am unstable in the way that I change my address every two years. I have literally moved more times than I can count…and I have tried. I think I have lived in over fifteen different apartments in several different countries. I have probably spent the most amount of time living in Toronto Canada. There I have lived in five different places; Kipling and Lakeshore, College and Bathurst, Dundas and Bloor, Islington and Bloor, Windermere and Lakeshore.

In Turks and Caicos I lived in three; a beach house, a boathouse, and a villa.

In Australia I lived in one, in Melbourne, that I paid way too much money for.

In Lisbon I have lived in two, one in Anjos and the other in Almada.

In British Columbia I lived in three, two in Kamloops and one in Vancouver.

Those were all the places I had a lease for, then there is my Airbnb history which I won’t dive into here.

I am not exaggerating when I say I live a nomadic lifestyle.

I have been in two or three serious relationships and a few of situationships. I am a classic (recovering) avoidant, mostly because I fear losing my sense of freedom. There have been plenty of guys who I have been interested in. I thought I could settle down for the right guy, but the right guy was never interested in me. The ‘right’ guys date a safe beige, I am a multicoloured unicorn rainbow. Not the safe choice and I don’t want to be.

The only thing I can commit to is a tattoo and even then I have covered those old tattoo up…with another tattoo. My tattoo career is the longest commitment I have ever made and that’s because it brings me a deep sense of fulfillment. It has allowed me to be a nomad and I am forever grateful to the craft.

My mind changes like the seasons. I believe this happens because I am constantly learning new information. When I learn new information I need to test it out for myself. I can’t take someone’s word for it, I need to give it a whirl. I’ll try anything once, maybe twice, just to make sure.

Once you know better you must do better, that is something I live by.

I might have missed my calling as a journalist. I am the queen of a rabbit hole deep dive. Even as a little girl I knew I wanted to know everything. To the point of my parents buying me a book entitled, “The Book of Why”. I used to be an avid reader, and I am trying to get back into that habit more these days…hence me starting a Substack.

Okay so why did I start writing this piece on Substack? I guess I want to admit to myself that it is okay to change like the wind. It is okay to not live a traditional life when all of my close friends are. I love Lisbon for the fact that all my friends are child free and (mostly) single. The moment I go home I am reminded that my choices are not traditional.

That’s why I never stay home for long.

After I spilled the tea about my life falling apart in my Life Update post, I decided that I am not going to plan 2027. Usually I plan my life in six month increments because a five year plan is insane.

Currently, I have the next three months mapped out. Normally I would feel a little anxious that I don’t know will happen after my visit to Canada, where I reminded that (by societies standards) I am falling behind as a 40 year old, single, childfree woman.

Can’t wait.

Of course I have so many ideas that I could just bust out from the seams but I am going to give myself the opportunity to breath. I don’t need to have it all figured out. The great thing about trail and error is that I do know what I don’t want.

The great thing about not being locked down is vast amount of opportunities and choices I am able to make. I am eating at the buffet of life. I can taste it all and I will.

When I first moved here, I started working at Wheelhouse for Chris Corsini, a popular tarot card reader and astrologer. I was surrounded by people who were into woo woo culture and I loved it.

I started taking the moon phases more seriously; I put a lot of effort into working with the energy of transits. Transits are how planets move through your chart, a popular transit everyone knows by now is a mercury retrograde. The way planets mingle with other planets and signs has an effect on different areas of your personal life.

The astrology of birth charts is wild. I love showing people their chart and trying to dissect it, even though I don’t know a lot, I do know a lot more than the average person.

Your birth chart looks like a clock with all the planets and signs placed exactly as they were the moment you were born. Your transit chart has an additional circle around your birth chart that tells you what is happening in the sky for whatever day you choose. Those charts work together to give you an idea of the energies you can tap into for that day or week or month or year(s)!

This blog post isn’t trying to make you a believer in astrology. This post is me breaking down a full month of personal chaos by also showcasing what was happening in the sky to make these things occur.

It all started with the solar eclipse in Leo on August 12 2026.

Eclipses eclipse something out of your life that no longer serves you. Eclipses are usually the most eventful, news making times of the year. Something comes along that completely flips the script.

This was a total solar eclipse in Leo; the Sun symbolizes our identity and so does Leo. This eclipse changed our beliefs around who we are and what that means in the real world.

The identity I literally (and permanently) wear on my sleeve is that I am a tattoo artist. The day of the eclipse I was working at the tattoo shop and I started to question everything.

I worked all day, from 11am - 8pm. I was tattooing a client I had worked on several times before. That day was the second session working on a sleeve that I had already started. At the end of the day, he didn’t know he had to pay. He thought he had already paid the full amount when he left his 500 euro deposit.

What?! How does this guy think that his full sleeve is 500 euro!?

Up until this point there had already been a lot of miscommunication about pricing at the shop. This had me questioning everything. When I moved to Portugal, I knew I wasn’t going to make the same kind of money as I used to make in Canada but I didn’t think I would be working so hard for nothing. I was pissed.

The manager tried his best to solve the situation but his solutions fell on deaf ears, I was not having it. I wanted my full amount, no if, ands or buts about it. I was frustrated. Eventually I would get my money (a few days later) but it wasn’t the full amount I asked for.

That day when the piercer saw that I was upset, he gave me a pair of eclipse glasses to go look at the sun. I walked three minutes to the top of a parking garage and watched the eclipse happen. I shed a few tears. I could feel that this was the beginning of the end.

So that was a bit of drama with my work life.

Then family drama happened, something I won’t dive into here. I have had a strained relationship with my younger brother since 2024. We had a falling out over him not showing up for me multiple times. Then two years later, August 2026, a similar event happened, so of course I went to the astrology.

I sent this screenshot to a friend because the astrology was too accurate.

There was a two week window between the solar eclipse and the partial lunar eclipse of August 28th and I felt like I was being worn the fuck down.

Everything was happening all at once.

During that two week eclipse window four talented and famous artists died in this order: the incredible Yayoi Kusama, Hayden Panettiere, Dolly Parton, and Tim Curry.

This was the news worthy stuff eclipses bring, along with several natural disasters like the flash flooding in Nepal. Astrology is quite literal sometimes, but again, I am not here to convince you to believe.

My life in Lisbon was starting to look different. I questioned if it was worth ‘sticking it out’ for another season. My finances were looking bleak, my current job was unstable, my surf skills were improving slowly, and my dating life was dismal.

Of course there are always positives; the gorgeous friends I have made, my tan and surf skills have developed, and I freaking LOVE my apartment, except for the ants. I cannot get these guys to fuck off.

I planned to go to Canada for Christmas. I was planning on going earlier to tattoo so I would be away for nearly two months. I was starting to look for someone to sublet my apartment. I would randomly message people who were looking but not many people wanted to move to my side of the Tejo river.

I needed to make a post for Facebook and local WhatsApp groups, but I was worried my landlord would find out. Since I value honesty and transparency, I asked for permission. The answer was no. UGH. I tried to find a friend to stay at mine but that didn’t work out either.

If I left my apartment for too long during the winter I was worried about the mould, the cost, and the freaking ants. I guess this is another sign for me to move on. Lets refer back to the transit post above where it says, and I quote, “Moving is likely”.

Okay, so…my job is unstable, there is tension within my immediate family, now I have to leave my adorable apartment, what next?!

My health.

I developed an ear infection. It got so bad that a friend at work could hear the water in my ear from the other side of the room. My sinus infection brought me to the hospital where I had to navigate a whole new health care system by myself. I was fucking tired. As I sat waiting for the doctor to see me I looked up the energetics of what a sinus infection means:

Yeah…so that adds up.

Over thinking about my job, my family, and my living situation.

Repressed anger towards…literally everyone.

People pleasing by not saying my true feelings at work.

My boundaries with family are not being respected.

Truthfully this entire year has been one of the best since 2020. There were so many positive things that happened to me and my loved ones. I was thrilled with how everything was unfolding in my life, until that August eclipse came in and swept it all away.

That two week period in August was rough, but I wasn’t about to throw in the towel.

I didn’t want to make any rash decisions. I loved my work environment, I loved the life I was building. Maybe I stick it out at the shop. Maybe I keep my apartment empty while I am away and I will have a friend check in on it.

A month later on September 21st, I hit my wall.

I hadn’t made enough money at the shop to pay my rent and I got a text from my boss about charging too much for tattoos; he said that we needed to have a meeting. The day before was a literal shit show at work, I won’t get into it but I was annoyed. I knew that a meeting wasn’t going to solve all the issues facing that studio.

About an hour after getting that text from my boss, I got a final answer of ‘no’ from my landlord about having a friend stay to look after my apartment. Here I am thinking I am being responsible by having someone look after my place while I am gone but they didn’t agree.

So I said fuck it and burned my whole life to the ground.
This is was a small portion of my astrology reading for that specific day:

Damn, it is so accurate.

I was absolutely facing internal fears and depression. It has been six weeks of internalizing work drama, family drama, and health concerns…alone. I had to get back into my spiritual hygiene practice and take stock of what was working and what wasn’t.

So, I quit the tattoo shop and I told my landlord I was moving out.

And there you have it.

This isn’t me saying goodbye to Lisbon or Portugal. I freaking LOVE it here.

This is me letting go of the things that do not serve my highest potential. This is me making space. I am gaining flexibility and freedom. Who knows what will flow into my life now that I am not holding on to a dream that no longer fits.

This is the breakdown before the break through…right!?

Right. That’s what the astrology above says, “This transformation is necessary and will provide space for the emergence of new circumstances that will be more beneficial to you”, and I believe that, without a doubt.

It freaking has to.

If this made you want to dive deeper into astrology I believe the best person to watch on YouTube is Pam Gregory. She has an educational video that teaches you how to read your own birth chart so you can understand how the transits affect your own life.

Thank you for reading and I hope that all transits work in your favour.

Let me tell you about our history. I bestowed his Joe title as: Jersey Joe.

Jersey Joe and I met in 2018 in Turks and Caicos. I had ju…

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Did you read what happened on date 003? That one was a doozy, it almost turned me off of dating completely. The date I am writing about in this post happened a few days after ending it with 003. Maybe it was too soon.

We will call this guy 004. It’s sad that they don’t last long enough to get the Joe title. Hopefully after this, I get far enough with someone to call them a Joe…or maybe even a husband?! woah woah woah, let’s not get too excited now.

I went out with 004 because he looked so hot in his profile, like a model, and he wanted to take me somewhere fun. Perfect. We were supposed to meet at Park Rooftop, this place is literally on top of a parking garage.

He was late. I got there first, which is annoying because he was already off of work and I was out gallivanting with my friend and didn’t want to be late. I could literally still be picking out a flower arrangement with my friend. I walked around a completely packed bar looking for him.

Everyone here looked so young. Why do I feel old? Am I old? Do I look old? I am going on a date with a 33 year old…all of a sudden I feel old. No, snap out of it.

I was sitting by the entrance waiting for his arrival. My head was down looking at my phone, he says, “hellooo!!” with a high pitched Italian accent. It spooked me. OMG. Who is this guy? He looks homeless. I’m stunned. He didn’t have a beard in his photos, but here he is, with a straggly ass beard.

There was a couple sitting close to us and they knew I was unhappy with this whole scenario. I think he picked up on my vibe too, I’m not really good at hiding my feelings. I told him the bar is packed and we should go somewhere else. He says that he will go have a look around. Okay bud, sure. I sit back down. I text my friend, “I think I have been catfished!”

He comes back and tells me there is a spot and he asks me to follow him. I follow him with my head down, I can feel people looking at us. And of course, there is no spot. We just did the same lap I did earlier, but now in the company of my homeless friend. I don’t want to be here.

I tell him we should leave and go to the restaurant Honest Greens, at least I can eat.

We walk out of the bar and catch an elevator down. As we are waiting for the elevator and that same couple that clocked my disappointment earlier, stands next to us to wait for the elevator. I say, “waiting for the elevator?” So awkward Sinéad.

Every second felt like an eternity.

When we get into the tiny elevator he asks me, “how long have you been in Lisbon?” Can we not do this now? We don’t need to get to know each other as we are sandwiched between another couple. Everything feels awkward. Let’s all collectively not talk right now. Thanks.

We exit the elevator and make our way to Honest Greens and in my head I was like, I don’t want people to see me. Lisbon is so small. I feel bad about thinking this way but I was not attracted to this guy. He could tell. He said that his beard was temporary and that he was doing it for an acting role. He said when we sit down to eat he can show me the photos from the shoot.

That made sense to me because he had model looks on his profile. He is very photogenic. As we were walking to the restaurant we passed by a fast food hamburger joint and an Italian guy ran out and screamed at 004.

Of course he knows people!!

Of course we are being seen right now!!

He walks towards them but I continue walking to the restaurant. I take about twenty steps and he runs up behind me and says that those are his work friends. Lisbon is small. We continue to walk as he tells me all about his work life.

There were plenty of moments when I thought, should I just bail? I have never left in the middle of a date. Maybe this is my time. Maybe this is the moment. I have a feeling that if we go through with this, if I actually sit down and eat with this man then I will also be seen by people I know. Spoiler, I was:

I feel baaaddd about being so judgemental. Am I really judging this guy based on this 10 minute encounter? Yes I am. I still had the decency to sit down and have a meal with him. Is that decency though? Should I have said something by this point? You can let me know in the comments below. In a situation like this, is it better just to leave or actually take the time to get to know someone?

I think this is the end of dating apps for me.

I ordered something cheap from the appetizer menu because he offered to pay. I ordered this new item, like almond flour pancakes, but when I got them they were more savoury with a hint of curry, this wasn’t what I was expecting. I don’t know what I was expecting. Everything that is happening right now, I did not expect. I ask to replace the curry pancakes with something else.

Maybe I can replace my date with someone else(?) while you’re at it.

I asked him to show me his modeling photos. He does. He IS so photogenic! He really is handsome under that scraggly beard. He is currently playing a role as a back up actor in a movie based in the 70’s. Okaaayyy, so that explains the beard.

He tells me that he is going to shave it in a few days and we should plan another date for then. I already know there won’t be another date. It’s just not a vibe for me. All in all we had a nice chat but I was not in the headspace for that date. I am tired of meeting up with strangers.

I am tired of them thinking that since they bought me dinner there needs to be some kind of kiss. I am tired of not having chemistry. I am tired of asking questions like I am some kind of psychologist. This was never the way we were supposed to meet people.

I messaged 004 after our date and thanked him. I told him that I don’t think we are aligned. He said a message like that should be said face to face. I said he just wants me to see him without a beard.

Back in 2019 when I was living in Turks and Caicos, I was asked to be a part of creativity circle where we shared our talents. I was honoured, but it’s not like I could whip out my tattoo machine.

I had to bring something different.

I knew that everyone was so talented. I made sure I came prepared with a poem…just in case. I wasn’t sure if I was going to share but I didn’t want to be caught off guard.

I wrote a poem about nature and living in Turks and Caicos. The poem expressed my anger towards the lack of respect for nature. When I wrote it I had just finished doing a beach clean up. As much as I loved volunteering to clean the beach, I didn’t feel good after doing them. I was angered by the amount of shit that would wash up on shore. So the first part of this poem is about that.

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Then in 2025 I added to it. Which you will see as ‘part two’ of my poem. I wrote part two after going to a poetry reading in Lisbon, Portugal.

It was November 2025 and I went to a poetry reading at Wheelhouse called Little Red Writing Hood, it is hosted by a lovely poet named Anna. She curated a beautiful space to share. There were about ten poets who read their piece. At the end of their reading Anna would give them a rose to celebrate their work. I was inspired.

After the event I opened my notes app and looked up the nature poem I had written back in 2019 to see if it was any good. I haven’t written much poetry since then. My writing was dedicated to starting my book. I guess I wasn’t inspired to write poetry… until I went to Little Red Writing Hood, and I got my spark back.

So without further ado here is the first poem I read in front of two different audiences.

Let me set the mood:

Dear Mother Nature,

I’m sorry we didn’t listen.

I’m sorry we were too busy

Using plastic in the kitchen.

I’m sorry we ignored your fires

the storms of different kinds.

I’m sorry we polluted the ocean,

Ignored all the warning signs.

The slogans are not enough,

There is no planet B.

If we can’t save the earth

There is no you, or me.

We stand up for our rights,

Only when we wanna.

Thinking someone else will fight

To keep this earth a nirvana.

He’ll do it, she’ll do it. They’ll do it.

Someone will figure it out for me.

Maybe you’ll start to care when

there are no more bees.

It’s not enough to recycle,

Say you’re helping and call it a day.

Unfortunately it’s gone too far

Our planet is in utter dismay.

The time is now to make a change

Be uncomfortable for awhile.

Sorry you can’t eat meat on Mondays

You gotta cut out that fashion nova style.

Count yourself lucky,

That you have the option to choose.

To not leave a carbon footprint

Walking around in your red bottom shoes.

Everything you buy

Will be replaced with more.

At what point do you say

I don’t need what’s in this store.

Stop buying products for nothing,

You’re not impressing people with your crap.

If your just mindlessly consuming

Your apart of this economical rat trap.

You don’t even see the affect

You have outside of your city.

You only see nature in paintings.

You don’t go outside to see the pretty.

The temperatures are breaking records every season,

But you have your AC and heating

To be comfortable for any reason.

Your stuck in your city bubble

But I’ll tell you what I see.

My pretty little TC island

Is changing in front of me.

The more I pay attention

The more I see the change.

The more I need to talk about

The things I find so strange.

Strange to me that people

Don’t really seem to care.

Unless something really bothered them

They won’t get out of their chair.

We stand up for human rights,

We stand up for peace

We won’t have anything to stand on

When this planet is deceased.

PART TWO

It’s been five years since I wrote those words

And thank god we are still here.

I am so glad I healed myself

So I could stop living in fear.

I talked a lot of shit

told you what actions to take

But the way humanity heals itself

Is by having our hearts break

Break open.

Let the light in.

Feel for your neighbours

Let the healing begin.

Be the example

Stop following the rules

Stop paying your taxes

Stop giving your money to fools

Okay maybe that’s dramatic

Maybe that ain’t right

But money speaks louder

Than this poetry I write

I believe in the power of the people

I believe there is a shift on the way

I believe we’ve been placed here

So that spiritual baddies will slay.

This energetic shift that

Is bound to arise

Will have us all screaming

I fucking told you so, guys.

So let’s imagine

We are in this new reality

We are all connected to source

We are all finally free

Free from late stage capitalism

Free from corporate greed

Free from the evil powers

Free to meet our human needs.

Our need for growth

Our need for connection

Our need community

Our need for affection

Manifest it deeply

Deep within your soul

That the world is healing,

That the world is finally whole.

What a cathartic experience.

I got my spark back.

So much so that I decided to start a Substack.

Thank you for being here from the beginning 🌹

I met him by the ferry around 7:15pm. We slowly walked the boardwalk into the sunset, it was nice getting to know him. I like his energy. When we got to the restaurant there was a 45minute wait for dinner, if you go there, get there early. We decided to sit outside and have a drink before dinner.

I stayed waiting outside watching the sunset while he went in to get us drinks. When he came back and he sat down, he asked me a random question; ‘would you give away 20% of your company to a marketing pro?’

I think: Is this a business meeting?
I responded: “that’s a loaded question. I don’t think it’s that simple”.

He wants me to ask him about his business…turns out 003 has a start up. Everybody has a start up. Politely, I ask him follow up questions about his start up. It sounds like he is trying to convince himself to go with the marketing agent. I tell him I think he already has his answer.

Earlier that day I had a particularly bad day at work. I explained the situation with him and complained. My advice: always complain on a first date. This moment of career vulnerability is all I shared to him and it wasn’t that deep. Just your classic, I should probably find a way to make more money…(oh hi Substack).

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He said if my bad day situation happened to him, he probably wouldn’t have shown up for our date. Lolz. Good to know.

I said that he was a handsome distraction from reality. It was true.

All in all, it was a great dinner, he seems ambitious and eager. I like his energy. We wrapped up dinner with dessert, they had gluten free cheesecake! I was very happy. We walked along the boardwalk back to the ferry.

During our stroll, we ended up having the kid talk. I say that I don’t want them because my standards are too high, and I just turned 40. He says that he wants to have children. I tell him that ‘we’ probably won’t work in the long run. He is seven years younger than me…by the time he wants kids, he will probably leave me for someone younger. HA! Jumping to conclusions is my favourite form of cardio.

I continue to explain to him that if I were to have children, my expectations would be: I would be a stay at home mom for the first five years. I never want to worry about money. Ever. I think having children is the most expensive investment you will ever make, and I never want to be in a scarcity mindset.

All he hears is that I want to be a stay at home mom. He responds, “you know if I said that stay at home mom thing out loud I would sound like a misogynist”. I said, “did you hear the part about me not wanting children?” And he says, “Sounds like there is still a chance.”

Okay, bud.

As we get closer to the ferry he says he doesn’t want me ‘to drop him off’ because he feels like a princess. I tell him “I don’t need you to walk me home”, but he insists. Fine.

I know he is trying to find a moment to share a kiss but he has a pimple looking thing close to his lip and I don’t know if it’s contagious… I will be dodging that kiss at every turn.

As we walk, we started talking about dogs. I tell him that I want to get a chihuahua again, I miss my Chihuahua Bronx. (RIP BB) He says that he refuses to have a small dog. “ONLY big dogs, only german shepherds…”blah blah blah. I hate this attitude. This guy is never going to surprise me with a chihuahua at Christmas time.

Another misalignment.

As we got closer to my place I was ready to wrap this up. He tried to kiss me but I dodged it. When did we normalize kissing literal strangers? Even if there is chemistry, chill…let that tension build. You literally just took me out for dinner and nothing romantic happened. Wait for something romantic, goddammit!

003 asked for my WhatsApp. I should have said no because the texting that happened after this night was way too much. The next day I woke up to a good morning text. Not my favourite.

I once dated a guy for six months who sent me a good morning text with a picture of the sunrise every day and he still didn’t want to call me his girlfriend. Words mean nothing.

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003 tried to make immediate plans with me but I was already busy. I appreciated the idea though…a hot yoga class! I love an activity date. When I told him I couldn’t go he was disappointed. I told him I already had plans with my friends. The next day he texts:

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This is the story of my first surfer crush in Portugal.

The first surfer I had a connection with was (funny enough) a Canadian from Montreal. Let’s call this sweet lil nugget Surfer Joe. It was February 2025 and I was on my way to Nazare to witness the big wave competition, he was already there with his friend.

You may not know this; Nazare, Portugal is home to the biggest wave competition in the world. The largest wave surfed was 80 feet, typically the waves average 40-50 feet, which is the equivalent of a 3-5 story home. Going to Nazare to see someone ride those waves was on my Portugal bucket list. It is one thing to witness those amazing waves in person and another to see someone risk their lives riding them. I made this lil video of the highlights, enjoy!

Okay so how this all went down was very synchronistic.

At the time I was working at Wheelhouse as a tapping facilitator and I had just done a tapping for a group of people on ‘following the signs and surrendering to the universe’. I wrapped up around noon. A co-worker of mine mentioned the wave competition that day because the conditions were perfect. He showed me that he was watching it on his phone.

I already knew this was the week the competition was happening because I was staying updated online. This was my time. Originally I was going to rent a car but I hadn’t driven in Portugal yet and I hated the idea of looking for parking. I looked up the distance from Wheelhouse to Nazare and it was 1hr30-45min drive depending on the route you take. I decided to see how much an Uber would cost. It was only 65 Euro?! Let’s fucking go.

I was picked up in a Tesla with an interesting driver. He wanted to chat but I asked him to put on music. I wanted to daydream out the window and feel the gratitude of having this opportunity available to me. I had only been in Portugal for six weeks by then and I was excited to get out of Lisbon and go on a mini road trip. On the drive I saw a transport truck with an advertisement for apple juice on the side, the apple was riding a monster wave. How cute. Then I open my phone and I see this and reshare it to my instagram story:

The signs are signing.

After my Uber driver takes a long break at the gas station, (all gas stations take forever btw) we finally get to Nazare and the place is packed. How am I going to find Surfer Joe amongst all the surfer Joes?!? We started sending each other photos of what we could see around us. I know I should have used my location services but I never have it on.

I finally get to the area where I think he is and he emerges from behind a rock. He’s cute(!) and short, but I never got mad about a short king. I like his skater vibe. High school me would be in love with this dude, fo sho. Later on I found out he was a pro snowboarder back in the day and that solidified my crush. Who doesn’t love a professional athlete?

Surfer Joe and I got along really well. His friend was cool too but he mostly kept to himself. The three of us hung out on the edge of a cliff, watched these incredible surfers, smoked joints, and ate snacks. I am so glad I met up with these guys. Since I got there late the competition only lasted another hour or so. I took so many videos that my phone completely died.

When the competition was over, we walked down to a lower area to watch the sunset and take more photos. Turns out this guy works in photography and got some great photos of me. He tells me he is a taurus. I LOVE taurus men. Three of my favourite Joes were all taurus and they all loved taking photos of me. My venus is in leo so this is the kinda attention I crave.

Then his phone died as well. He told me that we could charge our phones back in his camper van. I told him, no funny business. As we slowly made our way back up the hill, he grabbed my hand and helped me around, it was nice. At one point I said, thanks dude and he said, Dude?! I clocked my avoidant tenancy immediately. I was already trying to put distance between us. This is what I do with all my crushes, deny them before they have a chance to deny me.

We fumbled around town looking for his van, he isn’t sure where it’s parked. He told me that anytime he loses his van he can find it using the tracking device he has on his laptop…but since his phone is dead we are left to retrace his footsteps.

We are both starving so we decide to get food. We find a delightful traditional Portuguese restaurant called Mil Sabores. Once we sit down the owner comes out and explains that they don’t have many dishes left because the fish is caught fresh that day.
They happen to speak French, so Surfer Joe navigates everything en francais. I am loving this. I love when I don’t have to think. He asks the server if he can charge his phone at the restaurant. Once we are done eating he can track the vehicle from there. Great!

We finish up our food and Surfer Joe realizes that the phone isn’t charging very well, he is only at 3%. We wait for a little longer and the staff starts closing up shop around us, they feel bad and bring us shots. I don’t drink so the chef has mine instead. This place is awesome, if you are ever in Nazare go there!

It’s nearly 11pm and we finally track down the van. Surfer Joe offers to let me sleep over, and I repeat, ‘sure but no funny business’. He doesn’t want to stay in this location so we drive south heading towards Peniche. We drove to some crazy dark place with no lights or housing. On the map it looked like it was very close to the ocean, we could hear the waves.

Sometimes I am amazed that I trust these men the way that I do. I am literally in a van with a stranger, driving in a very dark area, in a town I don’t know…don’t do what I do, kids.

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The goal was to sleep next to the ocean and we did.

I didn’t have anything on me - no face wash, no deodorant, no toothbrush, I felt like a derelict but when I woke up and saw him, he asked if I wanted to kiss. Ah okay. Gross. But also, sure, das nice. If he wants our first kiss to be when I am at my grossest then that’s kinda romantic, no? He must like me.

The kiss was nice. We cuddled for a lil bit and then opened the doors to this:

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People love dating content. I love dating content. I love watching reality dating TV shows. I am hooked on modern dating culture because I have been in it for years. I know all the pop psychology terminology; attachment styles, black cat/golden retriever, love languages, polyamory lingo etc. It’s a wild world out there, and I am well versed. I am a standard story in the world of dating, a single white female seeks a partner in crime who won’t feel like a complete waste of time.

I am going on forty first dates to find ‘the one’.

I came up with this idea after everyone in the comments of my Viral Joe video said I look like Drew Barrymore. Drew’s movie with Adam Sandler, ‘50 First Dates’ is one of my favourite feel good movies.

So here we have - Forty First Dates. I think I picked forty because my 40th birthday just passed. Forty first dates already sounds exhausting.

BUT I have already been on two first dates. Oops! I should have told you. teehee

The first first date of forty first dates was with Armenian Joe. You can read all about our moments if you click on his name. He is a great guy but sadly, not the guy for me. He is 34 years old and wants babies and I am 6 years older than him, so if he doesn’t want babies tomorrow then we shouldn’t waste our time. I deluge more of my thoughts on having a baby here.

Then I went on a second first date with my surfer crush… not sure if I would even call it a ‘date’. He met me at the beach for sunset and I assumed we were going for dinner around that area. About 40 mins before sunset he says he is getting really cold and he wants to go home and get a sweater, then we can finish watching the sunset by the cliff.

Cool, I thought, I haven’t been to the cliff yet.

When we got to his place, he told me to make myself at home. I thought we were just getting sweaters. He says he has to go to the washroom, he sets up his laptop with a sunset scene. It was a live feed of the beach we were just on.

This is so weird…but maybe he has to shit.

He comes back and tries to kiss me with his newly brushed teeth. I pulled back, “I thought we were going to see the sunset! This was your plan all along!” He laughs and says, “we will miss the sunset by the time we get to the cliffs”.

I said “but that’s what I wanted to do…”
He says okay, and pulls me closer for another make out attempt.

We kiss but I am annoyed. So I pull back again.

I firmly tell him that I am not hooking up with him. “I’m hungry and want food, I thought we were going to get food”. He said that nothing was good around where he lives so he would rather go to the grocery store and cook something. So that’s what we did.

After dinner he rolled a joint and half way through smoking it, I ordered an Uber home. He said he would have driven me home in the morning. Wow. Presumptuous. I was annoyed. I ate his food and smoked half of his joint and went home.

He tried to make last minute plans with me a few more times but I couldn’t be bothered. Make a real plan. The old me would have kept him around for a good time. The new me has enough of a good time on her own.

And that’s my problem. I love being single.

It is not easy to impress me these days, especially when I have been given the princess treatment in the past. I want to be spoiled by a man who adores me, and who I respect.

In order to respect them, I have to keep my boundaries in check. The only way for me to do that is by writing them down to keep me accountable.

So here are the guidelines for 40 First Dates:

No physical intimacy for as long as I see fit. I said five dates in the past and that seems reasonable, but I don’t want to put a number on this. No certain amount of dates or time will let me know if someone is right for me…but going on five consecutive dates without intimacy usually gets rid of the guys who are only in it for one thing. Some people say don’t kiss for three months, but that seems absurd…we all have needs.

They must be attractive to me. (seems obvious but I have given many mids a chance)

They are not allowed at my apartment until further notice…I have a strict no boys allowed policy, so their place better be nice.

We must have aligned goals for the future. - children and retirement talks before the first date because let’s be on the same page about that…or what are we even doing here?

They need to have the attributes of a provider man who wants to spoil me, because that is what makes me feel secure in a relationship. Someone who can take care of me, so I have the capacity to take care of them in return.

I go into more details about the man that I am manifesting here.

If I don’t go through with these forty first dates then I will most likely remain single forever. Which I have also come to terms with. But if I do go on all these dates and I remain single, then at least I gave it my best shot! Hopefully I don’t have to go on too many first dates because I have better boundaries now….or do I?!

I guess we will find out…

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Well, I ‘de-centered men’ for the last few years to live a nomadic lifestyle. I went to Barbados, Mexico, Turks and Caicos, and now I have been living in Lisbon, Portugal for the last 18 months.

I have done enough casual dating to last a lifetime. I feel like I have dated every single nationality. I have done the research. Now I know what I am looking for. I am ‘manifesting’ differently this time.

It’s not, what am I looking for? but more of,

How do I show up in this relationship?

Is my partner bringing out the best in me?

The only way you can truly manifest something into your life is by feeling like you already have it.

I need to feel like I am already in this relationship… how does it make me feel?

Supported. Nourished. Taken care of. Secure. Excited. Sexy. Romantic. Playful. Adventurous.

I need to be much more specific about my desires because being wishy washy gave me wishy washy results.

So here it goes…this is my future partner.

His steadiness and calm demeanour soothe my soul.

I can rest my head on his chest and he feels like home.

He has it covered. He knows what to do.

A quiet confidence.

Rest assured, he has got you.

His eyes dilate, taking me all in.

When he has a good idea, he wears a mischievous grin.

He thinks I am funny and we have deep talks.

blah blah blah we like to go on walks.

Okay that just turned into a poem.

Sometimes you just gotta let it flow…but in all seriousness: it’s correct.

NON NEGOTIABLES:

be a communicator

have provider masculine energy, financially responsible

must not be angry or jaded, cup half full please

must PLAY sports, not just watch them

must enjoy my sense of humour, have good banter

must entertain my love for aliens and astrology

he makes me feel loved and appreciated

BONUS:

he cooks (I can cook but I really don’t love it)

he surfs, so he can take me with him

he hates the Red Hot Chili Peppers

How I show up in this relationship: I bring my light and playful energy to our dynamic. I feel supported, so my creativity flows naturally. He loves my crazy business ideas and funds them. Our date nights are always special because we can easily enjoy the moment, we are best friends. He loves spoiling me because he gets spoiled in other ways…teehee.

He inspires me to follow my dreams and he supports my drive and ambition. I, in turn, support and motivate him to do the same. We want what’s best for each other, it is a deep fulfilling love.

Now I am going to say a word that has been bastardized and it is: alpha man. I want an alpha man.

Gross. Listen, I know. I hate that I just said that too.

But if it were the end of the world and there is some kinda zombie apocalypse I want the Brad Pitt in World War Z. I want the Pedro Pascal in The Last of Us. I want a man that can lead but also trusts me and my intuition.

I have challenged myself to go on 40 first dates to find the one. I have already gone on two first dates, both with very different men. I am starting to realize that I need to be more specific for the sake of my own time management. I said I would date outside of ‘my type’, but if I do that, then they better be able to protect me at the end of days.

Alright universe, let’s work on this together.

“On a scale from 1-10…1 being that you don’t care too much and 10 being that you can’t imagine your life without them. How badly do you want children?”

He thought about it for a moment.

7.

7 is high for me, someone who just turned 40.

7 is high for someone who has considered not having children more often than having them.

I followed up with: “why do you want to have children?”

He said because ‘that’s what he has always considered, having a family. He has imagined his life with children. Family is a big deal in his culture, everyone does it.’

(Ummm, everyone does it everywhere, dude.)

On our first date, the 33 year old told me about his friends visiting with their kids and how he made a good impression on them. One of the children asked to say goodnight to him on the phone. It was sweet. I could tell he was proud.

When the topic of children has been posed to me before, I always said, “if I had kids then great and if not, then that’s great too. Either way my life will be full.”

I am fully aware of how amazing and scary pregnancy could be, this is why I always liked the idea of being a step mom. You get to be apart of their lives without all the hospital visits or potential health scares. You know what I mean? Giving birth and being pregnant doesn’t sound like fun.

Last year my bestie was pregnant and there was a moment when I was in my situationship and I thought, “omg what if I had this guy’s baby and my bestie and I can be pregnant at the same time.” LOLLLLLLL omg Sinead. I am glad that didn’t happen, but it may have awakened an urge inside of me that I hadn’t known, because I hadn’t had sex in ages.

Anyways, I continue to talk to my date about this question. I reiterate that I am 40 years old and I don’t think I have the time or resources to be having a child.

My standards for bringing a child into this world are higher than most. I would like to be a stay at home mom and do arts and crafts all day. I wouldn’t work and I wouldn’t want to lower my lifestyle standards either.

Simply put, I never want to have to worry about money.

Maybe that is why I am still childfree and single. I give myself the life that I want without worrying about money too much. I am busy enjoying my life.

I am not shutting myself down from the idea of children, but I am sticking to my standards of living because life is meant to be enjoyed.

My 33 year old date said he would think about the idea of potentially not having children but I know in my heart that that’s not fair for either of us.

First I will tell you this, I manifested him. Yup! Swear to God. Don’t let the woo-woo override this beautiful story of love and loss. I did this manifestation challenge and as much as I love to manifest, I never thought I could manifest a person. I can manifest a free coffee or a winning lottery ticket, but the love of my life? I don’t think so…but I did… and I will do it again…

So how did I manifest this glorious man you ask? I wrote a list of every quality I wanted him to have and I used the male love interests from Sex in the City to do so. He had to be masculine and outdoorsy like Aiden. He had to be silly and playful like Steve. He needed to be as successful as Big. We needed to have the sexual compatibility as Smith and Samantha. If he looked like Smith I was okay with that too, so looks wise I asked for a surfer skater dude with long hair. Of course I went into much more detail than that but this isn’t a tell all blog post. I acted like I was already in this loving relationship. I fantasized about us surfing together and living by the beach. I thought about all the walks we would take in nature and all the memories we would make. Then unbeknownst to me I swiped right on the person I had been dreaming about.

On our first date we had dinner, he told me I could pick the whole menu if I wanted to. We ordered a variety of shared plates and we ate it all, the waiter was so enamoured with us we got free dessert…a trend that would happen throughout our time together. Everyone thought we were the cutest couple they had ever seen. When we first met I thought he lived in Canada but he was only visiting, he is originally from the States, and he lived a five minute walk from the ocean where he surfed. I have no idea how I got so confused but I think that was a part of the magic. I wouldn’t have met up with him if I knew this would be long distance, but alas the universe had other plans.

I thought he was the cutest thing, so charming with his southern accent and everything. When he asked me to stay over I didn’t stay the night. It’s not in my nature to hook up on a first date. I told him that I would meet him the next morning and we could spend the day discovering the city together and we did. Of course we had the best time. I learned that we loved the same obscure ideas, we talked about everything, our conversation never stopped. He was a breath of fresh air and I immediately had a crush. We shared a cab to the airport the next morning ;) and he dropped me off on the way. We knew we would see each other again.

A few weeks before I met my lover, my friend and I were in a thrift shop and I bought the most Carrie Bradshaw fur coat I had ever seen. It matched my hair to perfection and I knew that this was me calling in my Sex in the City fantasy. I couldn’t wait to start wearing it. At that time I was commuting from Toronto to Oakville to work at a tattoo shop and the construction on the highway was a nightmare. There was a specific weekend closure around Halloween, they were shutting down a piece of the highway, there was no way I was commuting that weekend. Luckily, I had a cancelation then I moved another appointment to another day. I had the weekend off! Which was such a rarity for me.

As the my manifestation queens know, when you make space for things miracles happen. I made space in my schedule and my southern lover had no idea, yet he asked me to meet him in New York City that same weekend, I couldn’t believe it. This was my Sex in the City fantasy coming to fruition. Cue the opening music! You know your girl brought that thirfted fur jacket and I wore the boots he had bought me on our second date. I was ready to explore the city with my manifestation. The weekend was perfection from the moment we locked eyes in the airport to the moment we walked away in the airport…everything was magical. The weather was perfect. The food was delicious. He bought me some killer outfits and I spoiled me rotten. I felt like an absolute princess. Our uber drivers couldn’t get enough of us and anyone who took our photo commented on how happy we looked. I was on cloud nine. I was in love.

A few weeks later I flew down to visit him and meet the important people in his life. I felt like I blended in right away and he said the same thing. It was so easy. I loved his kids and his job and his employees and his dogs and his life. I was like, when do I move in? But for him…that was never going to be a possibility. We travelled back and forth a few times and yet the future still looked hazy. I was afraid of bringing up the future, which is a clear sign that something isn’t working. Which is so classic Carrie and Big…why did I have to manifest Big qualities? He’s the worst!

One time I said to my southern lover that was the Blake Sheldon to my Gwen Stefani but his face did not support the sentiment. It was wild, how can two people be so good together but only one person see it? As much as he said he cared he couldn’t say he loved me until the day I was breaking it off with him.

We were two avoidants with intimacy issues. That’s why the long distance worked. But I needed more. I deserve more. He had been married in the past and burned by that union. I want to be married…forever…just like my parents. He had so many walls and I was tired of trying to break them down. Still I kept saying to myself how would a wife show up? How would someone who wants a long term relationship show up? I tried working on my avoidant tendencies by showing up as the future wife material I wanted to be. Before him I used to run away when things got difficult but when you’re in a long distance romance and you’re stuck in their house you kinda have to talk it out right then and there. Relationships really are one of the greatest teachers. They are a mirror showing us what we need to work on.

The lessons I learned from this brief but passionate relationship were essential to my growth as a partner. I read the book ‘Attached’ to learn more about my attachment style. There are three; avoidant (me), anxious, and secure. If you don’t know what yours is then I recommend looking into it. I would say that I am a recovering avoidant and more secure because of that relationship. It forced me to show up as the woman I want to be in a partnership. Even though I didn’t get it right all the time I became more aware of my tendencies to bail. I learned that men say exactly what they mean, you don’t have to read between the lines.

My favourite lesson is that I am so ready for real love. I learned that I am full of love! I LOVE LOVE!! I know that the next partnership I am in will be better than what came before and that thought alone makes me so happy. One of my favourite ideas is that everyday people are meeting the love of their life. Someone is falling in love at this exact moment. You could swipe right on a dating app and that stranger can shake up your world in the most magical of ways. Love is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I will continue to live in that frequency. Nothing is better than the feeling of being in love, nothing.

Okay slay queen.

I have been on several dates with the standard Portuguese men, a Joao, a Nuno, an Andre, a Daniel and a Tiago. I am c…

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I went on a date with a professional clown. He literally went to clown college. He’s been clowning for over twenty years. I matched with him on Hinge. The job title on his profile said ‘digital clown’. I was thinking he works for some corporate bullshit job and he is calling himself a clown. I can get with that. Fuck the matrix. As I scroll…

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I kept my phone open on the app to watch his lil emoji drive along the map. As I kept that page open I booped around my house cleaning. I would occasionally look at my phone to see his status and it looked like he was stuck on the bridge. I closed the screen to message him and make a comment about how shitty the traffic can be and he had already come and gone!! Shit!

He messaged me to give me a 3 min arrival warning, and then sent a message when he arrived. Then he sent a voice memo saying he’s waited for 15mins and now he is going to the restaurant. My heart sank! I felt so bad. I HATE being late or keeping people waiting.

I had a hair washing shower for this date, I looked super cute, I cannot let this blow out go to waste. I texted him a billion ‘I am so sorry’s’, ordered an uber and asked him to order me some green tea, because I was on the way! He told me that the restaurant was on the second floor but because of my anxiety of being late I forgot that information and ran around the building nearly walking into the back door of a kitchen for another restaurant.

Where the fuck is this place? I walked back out and saw the sign that I had completely ignored in my anxious state. I took a breath, walked up the stairs, and walked in like a flustered baby girl. I didn’t even introduce myself. He calmly introduced himself and laughed over the way I expressed my remorse like we had been friends forever. I was not smooth, I was chaos. But I think that’s what men want…even when they say they don’t. Cute and chaotic energy. Ha!

I sat down and collected myself, the tea was the perfect temperature. We discussed Portuguese history, which is great! I love learning. You can tell me the story five million times, eventually it will stick. He told me about Portugal’s April Liberdade Day but then he told me that after that day, a bunch of commies came in and stole a bunch of shit. So in actuality November 25th is when the real democracy happened nearly a year and a half later. And that’s the really important day that no one celebrates (don’t say I never taught you anything).

Anyways he said he was boring me and I said ‘no, tell me more I always wanted to go on Jeopardy. I need all the knowledge I can get’. He told me that the commies stole his father’s business and he never got it back. He told me about the workers rights in Portugal and that it is impossible to get fired here. He told me that the people of Portugal love to protest close to a holiday so they get an extra day off. I enjoyed the history lesson.

Viral Joe told me a bit about himself and when I started asking deeper questions he joked that I was like a therapist. I said I am. I will be charging him 200 euro for this ‘date’, that was actually set up by his ex wife. A joke, of course. He said he wanted to know more about me and I said, well ask me a question…he asked why I chose to live in Portugal. I said because I am training to be a surf babe. I got the babe part down, I just need to get better at surfing.

We stayed at the restaurant until after it was closed. He paid for dinner and didn’t assume I was paying half…thank god. We left the restaurant, walked around and chatted some more. He said we should see if another place was still open. We got into this Mercedes Benz convertible and drove over to a beach club which was closing in ten minutes. He told me he was going to take me there on a second date. In my head I was like, das nice. We already have a second date planned. We looked at the beach and chatted for ten minutes and then the server asked us to leave.

We drove back to mine and the conversation was so good we did two extra laps. Turns out we have a lot of the same values and ideas about the world. GREEN FLAG!

Here is his deal: he has three kids, two from his first marriage and one from his second relationship. He has a good relationship with his first but not his second and he wouldn’t get into details about it…that where the therapist comment came in…he is seemingly well off but a nice car means nothing to me. Some of these men out here are living outside of their means so they can look a certain way. I don’t think you actually know how well off a man is until you ask him to buy you a designer bag…what face does he make when you say Birkin?

Now it is 1am and it is wayyyy past my bedtime. He gets out of the car to open my door and let me out. We hug, he is not 5’9 like it says on his dating profile. He is 5’5 and I am fine with a short king because I am only 5’3. I kiss him on the cheek and then we have an eye lock moment and he goes in for the kill…literally. Killed the vibe with his tongue out all willy nilly.

NOOOOOOO. Get back in your mouth.. Ugh whyyyyyy? Why cant we have a nice lil kiss without it turning into a slop fest. So messy.

I pulled away, said, ‘too much’ and thanked him for the night. He pulled me back in saying, how am I supposed to go home now?

I thought, back in your fancy car, sir! That’s how.

As he got back into his car I thanked him for the nice evening and said I look forward to our next date…which I am…but also hoping that next time the kiss could be a little more chill.

I know someone who married a bad kisser, I think they might be trainable..? They can learn the art of kissing without using sooo much stabby tongue. There will be a second date because I wanna know about the ex baby mama drama. Do you think that you can train a 55 year old man to kiss differently?

Viral Joe was very eager to see me the next day and the day after that but I already had plans. It was nice to have a man text and tell me he wants to see me again right away. Much different energy than the situation ships of my past. He followed up and checked in. I personally am not a texting person. I am a pick up and call me person so when people want to chat over text all day, it does nothing for me.

One of my exes would text me alllll day long. At this time I was tattooing all day long and I would pick up my phone at the end of the shift and have anywhere from 30-60 texts. He literally would test every sentence as a text, my battery life did not last long in that relationship.

Anyways Viral Joe and I had our first date on a Thursday and planned another for the following Tuesday. We chatted every day and then on that Tuesday I heard nothing from him. Tuesday is the day I venture over to Lisbon to work at my EFT Tapping Space so I thought it would be very convenient to meet up with him for dinner after my shift.

Before my shift I met up for lunch with my friend who said DO NOT TEXT THAT MAN. We are not chasing men about plans. So I let it be. After my shift I still hear nothing so I take the ferry across back home. As I am walking through the small town thinking about my relationships of the past wondering if they all failed because I hate texting, a bird swoops down and covers me in shit…literally from head to toe. I am stunned. Frozen. It’s like the bird had a squirt bottle of shit and decided to cover me in it. It was unbelievable how much shit covered my body.

I walked to the tattoo shop to clean myself off. Everyone said it was good luck so I went to buy a scratch ticket with the shit soaking through my pants. I did not win the lottery that day.

I get home, take off all my clothes in the front door and jump in to have the longest shower of my life.

When I get out of the shower I receive this text from Viral Joe:

Dear Sinéad, hi! We had a dinner more or less arranged for tonight. It’s 19h so it is a bit late to organise something, of course. I’ll be staying at home. I also understand the enthusiasm isn’t there and therefore I also don’t want to force anything as it doesn’t make sense whatsoever. So.... I believe this might be a kind of farewell. It was very nice to meet you, truly. Maybe some other time or under different circumstances things might end up running in a different direction. We’ll never know...Sending you my best wishes! - Viral Joe

What?

I thought, okay…am I getting broken up with or is this man having a tantrum because I didn’t text him today. I responded:

Oh weird, I thought we had a great first date. I also said I was looking forward to our date tonight...so I don’t know what you mean by enthusiasm? I guess you mean that on your end? Sorry to hear that as well. I thought you were into me…You never reached out to plan anything so I understand now, thanks for not ghosting me.

He writes: No I didn’t. True. Because I didn’t feel interest. Like mentioned. No ghosting. That’s horrible. I’m here.

I respond to him by responding to my own text from two days earlier. The earlier text said: Looking forward to dinner on Tuesday!

So ‘reposting’ that to him and saying: Does this seem like lack of interest?

He tells me he’s confused and now maybe he is the one who is ghosting.

I agree with him. lolz

We continue to text back and forth.

I assure him I still want to spend time with him, I tell him that it’s too early to be sending him videos and photos of myself, even though I love when he does that… I genuinely do. He looks sexy. He said that he is leaving Friday for a two week trip with his kids and the only time we can meet each other is late Wednesday night. I worked until 8pm and he said he could be ready for 10pm. I agree to it.

That night as I wait to meet him I relax by watching a True Crime documentary on Netflix about a woman who fakes a pregnancy and then murders her friend and tries to steal her baby, its FUCKING WILD. Anyways, I almost missed his message again because my phone volume is never on. I called him back and he said that he can come pick me up but it might be another 30mins OR he can order me an Uber to pick me up and drive me to meet him. I chose that action because I needed to get out of my house or I was about to fall asleep.

The Uber picks me up and as we drive closer to his place I am watching where I am going just in case I need to make an escape. I am dropped off in the oldest neighborhoods in Lisbon. There is a 700 year old church on the end of his street and he starts telling me about all the history and I lock in. Our entire drive is a history lesson and I loved every moment of it.

Viral Joe took me to a look out point that I hadn’t been to before. It was really nice, the moon looked insane! It had just been a new moon a few nights ago so the moon was a sliver in the sky on the way to his place and then when we were at the look out it had turned orange and red and disappeared behind the city lights. The moon feels so much closer here.

We drove a little bit longer and then he took me to our final stop which is a church that the king hid in before he snuck off to Brazil. Fascinating. Seeing the kids outside of these places smoking and vaping and taking selfies on their phones…it’s amazing how far we have come in the last 100 years.

We drove back to mine, he parked, and shared a few nice chill kisses. I got out of the car and so did he. We hugged for a while, rubbing each other’s backs. I know he can’t get enough of me. He’s off to the US to see the World Cup with his two kids and we won’t see each other for two weeks. His birthday was coming up in June…a Gemini. I told him I would send a cute picture of myself for his birthday. I am so thoughtful and generous. HA!

Dear former lover girls, we aren’t out here doing girlfriend acts for people we are just getting to know. No photos!

During the world cup he was sending me videos and staying in touch, I sent him a selfie on his birthday. He had a weird way of flirting where I would send kissy face emojis and he would say, ‘where?’ and I would ignore it lol then one time I said, on the tip of your nose.

I could puke everywhere.

He got back from the world cup…it’s my birthday. I got a passive text message from him all it said was: all good? I say, ‘Yup! Just enjoying my Birthday!’ He sent me a video apologizing saying he didn’t realize that it was my birthday. It was a nice video, but still from our one conversation, I remembered his birthday. I specifically said to him, when you get back from your trip it will be my birthday as well!

Once he gets back he doesn’t follow up or try to make a single plan to hang out again. The day after he came back from his trip, he said he had injured himself playing soccer and is now walking around on crutches. Brutal.

A few days later I was at work and around 3pm he asked, “What time are you finished work?” I assume he is asking me because he wants to see me. I tell him 8pm. Then five hours later he texts back, 8:40pm he asks me, what are you up to? He said he had stumbled upon a new bar and sent me a video.

What? I didn’t get this text until after my shower where I had just washed my face thinking I was staying in for the night.

I thought he was on crutches? I told him to have fun but I wish he had asked to make plans five hours earlier.

All of this drama happened on July 5th and that’s when I posted my little rant about him on Tiktok and woke up to this:

WILD. If you want to see the TikTok for yourself you can visit it here.

Monday morning I text him:

Hi Viral Joe, I am disappointed that you haven’t made a proper date with me. Actions speak louder than words.

He says: me too, have to say. I am leaving to Spain this Wednesday. It doesn’t leave us much time. Saturday was a misfortune. When would you be free in the following days?

I said: I think I have seen enough to know that this isn’t something I am interested in entertaining anymore. It’s too bad. Good luck out there.

The amount of comments I received on that viral video that said they wouldn’t have given this man a chance after the first passive aggressive Tuesday date fiasco was wild, am I reallllyyy giving these men that many chances??

Regardless, and annoyingly, it all happens for a reason. Had I not met him and had this sequence of events, my blog never would have kicked off the way it has, and for that I am thankful. I don’t want to come from a place of man bashing but more of curiosity. People are interesting and I want to meet them. Oh and I genuinely want to find my best friend, a lover man who wants to add to my life, not take away.

I have started sharing my stories online because of the community and the comments. Some of you women are truly so funny and I love seeing your thoughts. Knowing that we are in this together will heal us. I see you and I love you! Maybe that bird shitting on me was lucky after all…

It will take another eleven months…

Here’s what happened.

It starts with two different French men…who are both the astrological sign of Taurus, which is the sign I love most. I am going to be calling everyone Joe from now on. So these two French Joe’s are from different French parts. One is from Paris, France and the other is from Quebec, Canada. Paris Joe slid into my DM’s on Instagram.

His instagram handle had the same nickname as the Australian Joe who I thought I was going to move to Sydney for. Literally the same nickname as the man who made me wanna quit dating three weeks earlier. What are the f’ing odds? Especially because it was such a unique name. Never met a name like this in in my life, and now I’ve met two in less than a month?!

SINEAD, ARE WE NOT TAKING THE HINT!?

I wish I could write their real names because they both shared the same nickname but the core name was different. Both their instagrams had the same nickname as their handle…weird, right??

Anyways, I’m on Paris Joe’s Insta and at first glance I like his style, and he makes art. We start chatting and talking about our ages. I am thinking we are guessing our ages and he thinks that we are telling our ages but I don’t realize this until after. So because of the communication barrier he thinks we are admitting our age...

I guessed his age at 33.

He thinks I am saying that I am 33.

He says ‘oh wow I thought you were my age’

And I ask, ‘What is your age?’

He says 27.

He is 12 years younger than me.

Well alright. sits up taller

I stay quiet and go along with being 33, bc who cares?

We went out on a dinner date and he is very sweet.

I told him my situation at the time: I am seeing if I want to move to Lisbon by living in a few different Airbnbs. If a good opportunity presents itself then I am willing to stay.

Around that time I needed to move from one Airbnb to another, except they were so close to each other I didn’t want to take an Uber. So he offers to help me move by rolling my luggage down the street. It was a ten minute walk. It was fun and he was entertaining. I enjoyed his accent and the way he teased me. There was a good vibe between us but it didn’t go anywhere.

That was at the end of January-February 2025.

February 2025 there is the Big Wave Competition in Nazaré. I was working at Wheelhouse that day. I had just done a tapping on surrendering. I wondered if I should take an Uber to Nazaré to see this once in a lifetime event. Who knows where I will be next February. Because I had just done a tapping on this exact thing, I was in the flow! LFG. I ordered an Uber.

While I am in the Uber I open up Hinge, and a guy that I am talking to happens to be at Nazaré at that moment. Another French guy from Canada, Quebec Joe. I message him when I get to Nazaré. I walk down the hill among a massive crowd of people. We try to find each other by texting photos of what we see around us. He emerged from the side of a mountain, he’s cute. We hung out the whole time. We smoked some weed and watched amazing surfers do amazing things.

He tells me he is traveling around Portugal and Spain for the winter in a rented camper van. Cool. I told him I considered doing that when I first got to Portugal, then realized it wasn’t for me at that time. I love a proper shower.

That day at Nazaré, we took so many photos and videos that both of our phones died. How am I going to order a Uber?

Quebec Joe with the camper van could not locate his camper van because his phone was dead. He told me that if he’s not sure where the van is, he will put on his computer’s device finder and follow that map to his laptop. We need to charge his phone.

He said we could go to the restaurant, get food and charge our phones…genius. We do that. Half way through the dinner we realize the phone charger isn’t charging! Then he goes to take money out of the ATM to pay for dinner and that doesn’t work either. It’s wild. Mercury retrograde things.

Finally the phones start charging and we stay in the restaurant while they clean and close up shop around us. It’s late. I considered staying in the van that night, with no funny business. We drove around to look for a nice place to camp out on. Somewhere close to the beach and have have a nice cuddle.

The next morning we woke up to the ocean sounds and looked in each other’s eyes and kissed. Disgusting. My worst nightmare tbh, a first kiss and with a hint of morning breath? Ugh, I guess lol

…it was still nice.

I guess I like this guy to be kissing him first thing in the morning…and we left it at that. We went for breakfast, I still had makeup on my face from the day before. A real class act. He paid for my Uber home, he was very sweet.

We stayed in touch while he was traveling and ended up having a few mini adventures together. A few weeks later I gave him his first tattoos. And in May 2025 I went to Canada and tattooed him again. He’s great! I like the connection we have.

After my lil camper van romance in February I figured I could date casually again. I told myself: I am in control. I will not get attached. So I got myself into a seven month long situationship with an Italian surfer. I go into more details on my substack.

After months of dating this man it was December 2025 and I was doing my second Date with Destiny online. At this point is has been exactly a year since the one week romance that happened with Australian Joe…I wondered if I had made any progress…I didn’t.

Each day during the Date with Destiny conference is different, and on this specific day it was relationship day. I decided to be vulnerable…I texted my Italian Surfer Joe and said, ‘“I miss you. I hope everything is going well in Italy, cant wait to see you again.”’

long story short, we break up.

read all about the break up here

Fuck Tony Robbins Relationship Day.

I decided that I should be celibate instead.

It’s been seven months since I have been intimate. (said like the old lady in titanic)

After months, years, of listening to popsychology on social media, I have decided that everyone is wrong and no one knows what they are doing. I can’t listen to another influencer’s tarot card reading about my love life.

I am so tired of the labels, are you an avoidant or an anxious attachment style. Are you a black cat or a golden retriever? I am tired of everyone playing games, or calling everyone a narcissist. I am tired of spiritual people thinking that they are matched with a twin flame, what the fuck is that?

Why are we over complicating this whole matter?

Oh right….for the sex.

So what if I take sex out of the equation altogether?

For the next year I will be documenting my dating journey on Substack. Weekly blogs about where I am at in order to see my own patterns and unravel my own beliefs around if I really want marriage and a long term partnership.

Some days I think I want a husband and the next I think I could never live with a man. I love being single but I wonder, what am I really missing out on?

Read more

I will dip into cities that I am traveling to and see if I can meet any locals. I have done this in Dubai, Nashville, Tulum…everywhere.

This time I decided to set my location for Toronto because I was heading back there to work at a tattoo shop for a month. I set it to a rich neighbourhood and started talking to a 55 year old man who works in the stock market in Toronto. Average Toronto Trader Joe. I said I will be visiting Toronto from Portugal in two weeks but maybe we can chat on the phone and see if there is a vibe. We set up a video chat. He’s cute.

We hit it off.

Ten days go by of texting.

During this time he had to go to Montreal to see his parents because his dad wasn’t doing well. Average Toronto Trader Joe and I had a phone call while he was on the train to Montreal and a call on the way back. He’s delightful. I am ready to make a plan to see him when I go to Toronto.

It’s my last week in Portugal before traveling and I am sitting on the beach with my friends. I get a WhatsApp notification on my phone saying I have been added to a group entitled ‘Next’. It’s too sunny out to see the screen so I leave it alone. I check it on the bus ride home. I see that Average Toronto Trader Joe adds me to a group of ten other women, but at some point removes himself from the group. Sus.

I sent him a message asking what this group is all about.

He writes: Oh sorry about that, can you please remove yourself from the group? I made a group to let my friends know the next step in my dad’s recovery. My mom said it wasn’t a good idea and I should remove the group. So if you could remove yourself from the group that would be great.

In my head: K. Red flag. So, you’re only friends with ten beautiful women from the ages of 35-40? You made a group and your, (I am guessing) 80 year old mother told you to delete a WhatsApp group? Does she even know what a WhatsApp is?

What I did: nothing.

WHICH I REGRET! I wish I had said something in the chat. I wish I had asked all those women how they were doing. I wish I asked them ‘what do you think this group is all about?’ I wish I had stirred the pot a little.

I did nothing. I never met up with him or talked to him after that. I don’t live in Toronto, so what is the point?