Read more

People love dating content. I love dating content. I love watching reality dating TV shows. I am hooked on modern dating culture because I have been in it for years. I know all the pop psychology terminology; attachment styles, black cat/golden retriever, love languages, polyamory lingo etc. It’s a wild world out there, and I am well versed. I am a standard story in the world of dating, a single white female seeks a partner in crime who won’t feel like a complete waste of time.

I am going on forty first dates to find ‘the one’.

I came up with this idea after everyone in the comments of my Viral Joe video said I look like Drew Barrymore. Drew’s movie with Adam Sandler, ‘50 First Dates’ is one of my favourite feel good movies.

So here we have - Forty First Dates. I think I picked forty because my 40th birthday just passed. Forty first dates already sounds exhausting.

BUT I have already been on two first dates. Oops! I should have told you. teehee

The first first date of forty first dates was with Armenian Joe. You can read all about our moments if you click on his name. He is a great guy but sadly, not the guy for me. He is 34 years old and wants babies and I am 6 years older than him, so if he doesn’t want babies tomorrow then we shouldn’t waste our time. I deluge more of my thoughts on having a baby here.

Then I went on a second first date with my surfer crush… not sure if I would even call it a ‘date’. He met me at the beach for sunset and I assumed we were going for dinner around that area. About 40 mins before sunset he says he is getting really cold and he wants to go home and get a sweater, then we can finish watching the sunset by the cliff.

Cool, I thought, I haven’t been to the cliff yet.

When we got to his place, he told me to make myself at home. I thought we were just getting sweaters. He says he has to go to the washroom, he sets up his laptop with a sunset scene. It was a live feed of the beach we were just on.

This is so weird…but maybe he has to shit.

He comes back and tries to kiss me with his newly brushed teeth. I pulled back, “I thought we were going to see the sunset! This was your plan all along!” He laughs and says, “we will miss the sunset by the time we get to the cliffs”.

I said “but that’s what I wanted to do…”
He says okay, and pulls me closer for another make out attempt.

We kiss but I am annoyed. So I pull back again.

I firmly tell him that I am not hooking up with him. “I’m hungry and want food, I thought we were going to get food”. He said that nothing was good around where he lives so he would rather go to the grocery store and cook something. So that’s what we did.

After dinner he rolled a joint and half way through smoking it, I ordered an Uber home. He said he would have driven me home in the morning. Wow. Presumptuous. I was annoyed. I ate his food and smoked half of his joint and went home.

He tried to make last minute plans with me a few more times but I couldn’t be bothered. Make a real plan. The old me would have kept him around for a good time. The new me has enough of a good time on her own.

And that’s my problem. I love being single.

It is not easy to impress me these days, especially when I have been given the princess treatment in the past. I want to be spoiled by a man who adores me, and who I respect.

In order to respect them, I have to keep my boundaries in check. The only way for me to do that is by writing them down to keep me accountable.

So here are the guidelines for 40 First Dates:

No physical intimacy for as long as I see fit. I said five dates in the past and that seems reasonable, but I don’t want to put a number on this. No certain amount of dates or time will let me know if someone is right for me…but going on five consecutive dates without intimacy usually gets rid of the guys who are only in it for one thing. Some people say don’t kiss for three months, but that seems absurd…we all have needs.

They must be attractive to me. (seems obvious but I have given many mids a chance)

They are not allowed at my apartment until further notice…I have a strict no boys allowed policy, so their place better be nice.

We must have aligned goals for the future. - children and retirement talks before the first date because let’s be on the same page about that…or what are we even doing here?

They need to have the attributes of a provider man who wants to spoil me, because that is what makes me feel secure in a relationship. Someone who can take care of me, so I have the capacity to take care of them in return.

I go into more details about the man that I am manifesting here.

If I don’t go through with these forty first dates then I will most likely remain single forever. Which I have also come to terms with. But if I do go on all these dates and I remain single, then at least I gave it my best shot! Hopefully I don’t have to go on too many first dates because I have better boundaries now….or do I?!

I guess we will find out…

Read more

Well, I ‘de-centered men’ for the last few years to live a nomadic lifestyle. I went to Barbados, Mexico, Turks and Caicos, and now I have been living in Lisbon, Portugal for the last 18 months.

I have done enough casual dating to last a lifetime. I feel like I have dated every single nationality. I have done the research. Now I know what I am looking for. I am ‘manifesting’ differently this time.

It’s not, what am I looking for? but more of,

How do I show up in this relationship?

Is my partner bringing out the best in me?

The only way you can truly manifest something into your life is by feeling like you already have it.

I need to feel like I am already in this relationship… how does it make me feel?

Supported. Nourished. Taken care of. Secure. Excited. Sexy. Romantic. Playful. Adventurous.

I need to be much more specific about my desires because being wishy washy gave me wishy washy results.

So here it goes…this is my future partner.

His steadiness and calm demeanour soothe my soul.

I can rest my head on his chest and he feels like home.

He has it covered. He knows what to do.

A quiet confidence.

Rest assured, he has got you.

His eyes dilate, taking me all in.

When he has a good idea, he wears a mischievous grin.

He thinks I am funny and we have deep talks.

blah blah blah we like to go on walks.

Okay that just turned into a poem.

Sometimes you just gotta let it flow…but in all seriousness: it’s correct.

NON NEGOTIABLES:

be a communicator

have provider masculine energy, financially responsible

must not be angry or jaded, cup half full please

must PLAY sports, not just watch them

must enjoy my sense of humour, have good banter

must entertain my love for aliens and astrology

he makes me feel loved and appreciated

BONUS:

he cooks (I can cook but I really don’t love it)

he surfs, so he can take me with him

he hates the Red Hot Chili Peppers

How I show up in this relationship: I bring my light and playful energy to our dynamic. I feel supported, so my creativity flows naturally. He loves my crazy business ideas and funds them. Our date nights are always special because we can easily enjoy the moment, we are best friends. He loves spoiling me because he gets spoiled in other ways…teehee.

He inspires me to follow my dreams and he supports my drive and ambition. I, in turn, support and motivate him to do the same. We want what’s best for each other, it is a deep fulfilling love.

Now I am going to say a word that has been bastardized and it is: alpha man. I want an alpha man.

Gross. Listen, I know. I hate that I just said that too.

But if it were the end of the world and there is some kinda zombie apocalypse I want the Brad Pitt in World War Z. I want the Pedro Pascal in The Last of Us. I want a man that can lead but also trusts me and my intuition.

I have challenged myself to go on 40 first dates to find the one. I have already gone on two first dates, both with very different men. I am starting to realize that I need to be more specific for the sake of my own time management. I said I would date outside of ‘my type’, but if I do that, then they better be able to protect me at the end of days.

Alright universe, let’s work on this together.

“On a scale from 1-10…1 being that you don’t care too much and 10 being that you can’t imagine your life without them. How badly do you want children?”

He thought about it for a moment.

7.

7 is high for me, someone who just turned 40.

7 is high for someone who has considered not having children more often than having them.

I followed up with: “why do you want to have children?”

He said because ‘that’s what he has always considered, having a family. He has imagined his life with children. Family is a big deal in his culture, everyone does it.’

(Ummm, everyone does it everywhere, dude.)

On our first date, the 33 year old told me about his friends visiting with their kids and how he made a good impression on them. One of the children asked to say goodnight to him on the phone. It was sweet. I could tell he was proud.

When the topic of children has been posed to me before, I always said, “if I had kids then great and if not, then that’s great too. Either way my life will be full.”

I am fully aware of how amazing and scary pregnancy could be, this is why I always liked the idea of being a step mom. You get to be apart of their lives without all the hospital visits or potential health scares. You know what I mean? Giving birth and being pregnant doesn’t sound like fun.

Last year my bestie was pregnant and there was a moment when I was in my situationship and I thought, “omg what if I had this guy’s baby and my bestie and I can be pregnant at the same time.” LOLLLLLLL omg Sinead. I am glad that didn’t happen, but it may have awakened an urge inside of me that I hadn’t known, because I hadn’t had sex in ages.

Anyways, I continue to talk to my date about this question. I reiterate that I am 40 years old and I don’t think I have the time or resources to be having a child.

My standards for bringing a child into this world are higher than most. I would like to be a stay at home mom and do arts and crafts all day. I wouldn’t work and I wouldn’t want to lower my lifestyle standards either.

Simply put, I never want to have to worry about money.

Maybe that is why I am still childfree and single. I give myself the life that I want without worrying about money too much. I am busy enjoying my life.

I am not shutting myself down from the idea of children, but I am sticking to my standards of living because life is meant to be enjoyed.

My 33 year old date said he would think about the idea of potentially not having children but I know in my heart that that’s not fair for either of us.

First I will tell you this, I manifested him. Yup! Swear to God. Don’t let the woo-woo override this beautiful story of love and loss. I did this manifestation challenge and as much as I love to manifest, I never thought I could manifest a person. I can manifest a free coffee or a winning lottery ticket, but the love of my life? I don’t think so…but I did… and I will do it again…

So how did I manifest this glorious man you ask? I wrote a list of every quality I wanted him to have and I used the male love interests from Sex in the City to do so. He had to be masculine and outdoorsy like Aiden. He had to be silly and playful like Steve. He needed to be as successful as Big. We needed to have the sexual compatibility as Smith and Samantha. If he looked like Smith I was okay with that too, so looks wise I asked for a surfer skater dude with long hair. Of course I went into much more detail than that but this isn’t a tell all blog post. I acted like I was already in this loving relationship. I fantasized about us surfing together and living by the beach. I thought about all the walks we would take in nature and all the memories we would make. Then unbeknownst to me I swiped right on the person I had been dreaming about.

On our first date we had dinner, he told me I could pick the whole menu if I wanted to. We ordered a variety of shared plates and we ate it all, the waiter was so enamoured with us we got free dessert…a trend that would happen throughout our time together. Everyone thought we were the cutest couple they had ever seen. When we first met I thought he lived in Canada but he was only visiting, he is originally from the States, and he lived a five minute walk from the ocean where he surfed. I have no idea how I got so confused but I think that was a part of the magic. I wouldn’t have met up with him if I knew this would be long distance, but alas the universe had other plans.

I thought he was the cutest thing, so charming with his southern accent and everything. When he asked me to stay over I didn’t stay the night. It’s not in my nature to hook up on a first date. I told him that I would meet him the next morning and we could spend the day discovering the city together and we did. Of course we had the best time. I learned that we loved the same obscure ideas, we talked about everything, our conversation never stopped. He was a breath of fresh air and I immediately had a crush. We shared a cab to the airport the next morning ;) and he dropped me off on the way. We knew we would see each other again.

A few weeks before I met my lover, my friend and I were in a thrift shop and I bought the most Carrie Bradshaw fur coat I had ever seen. It matched my hair to perfection and I knew that this was me calling in my Sex in the City fantasy. I couldn’t wait to start wearing it. At that time I was commuting from Toronto to Oakville to work at a tattoo shop and the construction on the highway was a nightmare. There was a specific weekend closure around Halloween, they were shutting down a piece of the highway, there was no way I was commuting that weekend. Luckily, I had a cancelation then I moved another appointment to another day. I had the weekend off! Which was such a rarity for me.

As the my manifestation queens know, when you make space for things miracles happen. I made space in my schedule and my southern lover had no idea, yet he asked me to meet him in New York City that same weekend, I couldn’t believe it. This was my Sex in the City fantasy coming to fruition. Cue the opening music! You know your girl brought that thirfted fur jacket and I wore the boots he had bought me on our second date. I was ready to explore the city with my manifestation. The weekend was perfection from the moment we locked eyes in the airport to the moment we walked away in the airport…everything was magical. The weather was perfect. The food was delicious. He bought me some killer outfits and I spoiled me rotten. I felt like an absolute princess. Our uber drivers couldn’t get enough of us and anyone who took our photo commented on how happy we looked. I was on cloud nine. I was in love.

A few weeks later I flew down to visit him and meet the important people in his life. I felt like I blended in right away and he said the same thing. It was so easy. I loved his kids and his job and his employees and his dogs and his life. I was like, when do I move in? But for him…that was never going to be a possibility. We travelled back and forth a few times and yet the future still looked hazy. I was afraid of bringing up the future, which is a clear sign that something isn’t working. Which is so classic Carrie and Big…why did I have to manifest Big qualities? He’s the worst!

One time I said to my southern lover that was the Blake Sheldon to my Gwen Stefani but his face did not support the sentiment. It was wild, how can two people be so good together but only one person see it? As much as he said he cared he couldn’t say he loved me until the day I was breaking it off with him.

We were two avoidants with intimacy issues. That’s why the long distance worked. But I needed more. I deserve more. He had been married in the past and burned by that union. I want to be married…forever…just like my parents. He had so many walls and I was tired of trying to break them down. Still I kept saying to myself how would a wife show up? How would someone who wants a long term relationship show up? I tried working on my avoidant tendencies by showing up as the future wife material I wanted to be. Before him I used to run away when things got difficult but when you’re in a long distance romance and you’re stuck in their house you kinda have to talk it out right then and there. Relationships really are one of the greatest teachers. They are a mirror showing us what we need to work on.

The lessons I learned from this brief but passionate relationship were essential to my growth as a partner. I read the book ‘Attached’ to learn more about my attachment style. There are three; avoidant (me), anxious, and secure. If you don’t know what yours is then I recommend looking into it. I would say that I am a recovering avoidant and more secure because of that relationship. It forced me to show up as the woman I want to be in a partnership. Even though I didn’t get it right all the time I became more aware of my tendencies to bail. I learned that men say exactly what they mean, you don’t have to read between the lines.

My favourite lesson is that I am so ready for real love. I learned that I am full of love! I LOVE LOVE!! I know that the next partnership I am in will be better than what came before and that thought alone makes me so happy. One of my favourite ideas is that everyday people are meeting the love of their life. Someone is falling in love at this exact moment. You could swipe right on a dating app and that stranger can shake up your world in the most magical of ways. Love is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I will continue to live in that frequency. Nothing is better than the feeling of being in love, nothing.

Okay slay queen.

I have been on several dates with the standard Portuguese men, a Joao, a Nuno, an Andre, a Daniel and a Tiago. I am c…

Read more

I went on a date with a professional clown. He literally went to clown college. He’s been clowning for over twenty years. I matched with him on Hinge. The job title on his profile said ‘digital clown’. I was thinking he works for some corporate bullshit job and he is calling himself a clown. I can get with that. Fuck the matrix. As I scroll…

Read more

I kept my phone open on the app to watch his lil emoji drive along the map. As I kept that page open I booped around my house cleaning. I would occasionally look at my phone to see his status and it looked like he was stuck on the bridge. I closed the screen to message him and make a comment about how shitty the traffic can be and he had already come and gone!! Shit!

He messaged me to give me a 3 min arrival warning, and then sent a message when he arrived. Then he sent a voice memo saying he’s waited for 15mins and now he is going to the restaurant. My heart sank! I felt so bad. I HATE being late or keeping people waiting.

I had a hair washing shower for this date, I looked super cute, I cannot let this blow out go to waste. I texted him a billion ‘I am so sorry’s’, ordered an uber and asked him to order me some green tea, because I was on the way! He told me that the restaurant was on the second floor but because of my anxiety of being late I forgot that information and ran around the building nearly walking into the back door of a kitchen for another restaurant.

Where the fuck is this place? I walked back out and saw the sign that I had completely ignored in my anxious state. I took a breath, walked up the stairs, and walked in like a flustered baby girl. I didn’t even introduce myself. He calmly introduced himself and laughed over the way I expressed my remorse like we had been friends forever. I was not smooth, I was chaos. But I think that’s what men want…even when they say they don’t. Cute and chaotic energy. Ha!

I sat down and collected myself, the tea was the perfect temperature. We discussed Portuguese history, which is great! I love learning. You can tell me the story five million times, eventually it will stick. He told me about Portugal’s April Liberdade Day but then he told me that after that day, a bunch of commies came in and stole a bunch of shit. So in actuality November 25th is when the real democracy happened nearly a year and a half later. And that’s the really important day that no one celebrates (don’t say I never taught you anything).

Anyways he said he was boring me and I said ‘no, tell me more I always wanted to go on Jeopardy. I need all the knowledge I can get’. He told me that the commies stole his father’s business and he never got it back. He told me about the workers rights in Portugal and that it is impossible to get fired here. He told me that the people of Portugal love to protest close to a holiday so they get an extra day off. I enjoyed the history lesson.

Viral Joe told me a bit about himself and when I started asking deeper questions he joked that I was like a therapist. I said I am. I will be charging him 200 euro for this ‘date’, that was actually set up by his ex wife. A joke, of course. He said he wanted to know more about me and I said, well ask me a question…he asked why I chose to live in Portugal. I said because I am training to be a surf babe. I got the babe part down, I just need to get better at surfing.

We stayed at the restaurant until after it was closed. He paid for dinner and didn’t assume I was paying half…thank god. We left the restaurant, walked around and chatted some more. He said we should see if another place was still open. We got into this Mercedes Benz convertible and drove over to a beach club which was closing in ten minutes. He told me he was going to take me there on a second date. In my head I was like, das nice. We already have a second date planned. We looked at the beach and chatted for ten minutes and then the server asked us to leave.

We drove back to mine and the conversation was so good we did two extra laps. Turns out we have a lot of the same values and ideas about the world. GREEN FLAG!

Here is his deal: he has three kids, two from his first marriage and one from his second relationship. He has a good relationship with his first but not his second and he wouldn’t get into details about it…that where the therapist comment came in…he is seemingly well off but a nice car means nothing to me. Some of these men out here are living outside of their means so they can look a certain way. I don’t think you actually know how well off a man is until you ask him to buy you a designer bag…what face does he make when you say Birkin?

Now it is 1am and it is wayyyy past my bedtime. He gets out of the car to open my door and let me out. We hug, he is not 5’9 like it says on his dating profile. He is 5’5 and I am fine with a short king because I am only 5’3. I kiss him on the cheek and then we have an eye lock moment and he goes in for the kill…literally. Killed the vibe with his tongue out all willy nilly.

NOOOOOOO. Get back in your mouth.. Ugh whyyyyyy? Why cant we have a nice lil kiss without it turning into a slop fest. So messy.

I pulled away, said, ‘too much’ and thanked him for the night. He pulled me back in saying, how am I supposed to go home now?

I thought, back in your fancy car, sir! That’s how.

As he got back into his car I thanked him for the nice evening and said I look forward to our next date…which I am…but also hoping that next time the kiss could be a little more chill.

I know someone who married a bad kisser, I think they might be trainable..? They can learn the art of kissing without using sooo much stabby tongue. There will be a second date because I wanna know about the ex baby mama drama. Do you think that you can train a 55 year old man to kiss differently?

Viral Joe was very eager to see me the next day and the day after that but I already had plans. It was nice to have a man text and tell me he wants to see me again right away. Much different energy than the situation ships of my past. He followed up and checked in. I personally am not a texting person. I am a pick up and call me person so when people want to chat over text all day, it does nothing for me.

One of my exes would text me alllll day long. At this time I was tattooing all day long and I would pick up my phone at the end of the shift and have anywhere from 30-60 texts. He literally would test every sentence as a text, my battery life did not last long in that relationship.

Anyways Viral Joe and I had our first date on a Thursday and planned another for the following Tuesday. We chatted every day and then on that Tuesday I heard nothing from him. Tuesday is the day I venture over to Lisbon to work at my EFT Tapping Space so I thought it would be very convenient to meet up with him for dinner after my shift.

Before my shift I met up for lunch with my friend who said DO NOT TEXT THAT MAN. We are not chasing men about plans. So I let it be. After my shift I still hear nothing so I take the ferry across back home. As I am walking through the small town thinking about my relationships of the past wondering if they all failed because I hate texting, a bird swoops down and covers me in shit…literally from head to toe. I am stunned. Frozen. It’s like the bird had a squirt bottle of shit and decided to cover me in it. It was unbelievable how much shit covered my body.

I walked to the tattoo shop to clean myself off. Everyone said it was good luck so I went to buy a scratch ticket with the shit soaking through my pants. I did not win the lottery that day.

I get home, take off all my clothes in the front door and jump in to have the longest shower of my life.

When I get out of the shower I receive this text from Viral Joe:

Dear Sinéad, hi! We had a dinner more or less arranged for tonight. It’s 19h so it is a bit late to organise something, of course. I’ll be staying at home. I also understand the enthusiasm isn’t there and therefore I also don’t want to force anything as it doesn’t make sense whatsoever. So.... I believe this might be a kind of farewell. It was very nice to meet you, truly. Maybe some other time or under different circumstances things might end up running in a different direction. We’ll never know...Sending you my best wishes! - Viral Joe

What?

I thought, okay…am I getting broken up with or is this man having a tantrum because I didn’t text him today. I responded:

Oh weird, I thought we had a great first date. I also said I was looking forward to our date tonight...so I don’t know what you mean by enthusiasm? I guess you mean that on your end? Sorry to hear that as well. I thought you were into me…You never reached out to plan anything so I understand now, thanks for not ghosting me.

He writes: No I didn’t. True. Because I didn’t feel interest. Like mentioned. No ghosting. That’s horrible. I’m here.

I respond to him by responding to my own text from two days earlier. The earlier text said: Looking forward to dinner on Tuesday!

So ‘reposting’ that to him and saying: Does this seem like lack of interest?

He tells me he’s confused and now maybe he is the one who is ghosting.

I agree with him. lolz

We continue to text back and forth.

I assure him I still want to spend time with him, I tell him that it’s too early to be sending him videos and photos of myself, even though I love when he does that… I genuinely do. He looks sexy. He said that he is leaving Friday for a two week trip with his kids and the only time we can meet each other is late Wednesday night. I worked until 8pm and he said he could be ready for 10pm. I agree to it.

That night as I wait to meet him I relax by watching a True Crime documentary on Netflix about a woman who fakes a pregnancy and then murders her friend and tries to steal her baby, its FUCKING WILD. Anyways, I almost missed his message again because my phone volume is never on. I called him back and he said that he can come pick me up but it might be another 30mins OR he can order me an Uber to pick me up and drive me to meet him. I chose that action because I needed to get out of my house or I was about to fall asleep.

The Uber picks me up and as we drive closer to his place I am watching where I am going just in case I need to make an escape. I am dropped off in the oldest neighborhoods in Lisbon. There is a 700 year old church on the end of his street and he starts telling me about all the history and I lock in. Our entire drive is a history lesson and I loved every moment of it.

Viral Joe took me to a look out point that I hadn’t been to before. It was really nice, the moon looked insane! It had just been a new moon a few nights ago so the moon was a sliver in the sky on the way to his place and then when we were at the look out it had turned orange and red and disappeared behind the city lights. The moon feels so much closer here.

We drove a little bit longer and then he took me to our final stop which is a church that the king hid in before he snuck off to Brazil. Fascinating. Seeing the kids outside of these places smoking and vaping and taking selfies on their phones…it’s amazing how far we have come in the last 100 years.

We drove back to mine, he parked, and shared a few nice chill kisses. I got out of the car and so did he. We hugged for a while, rubbing each other’s backs. I know he can’t get enough of me. He’s off to the US to see the World Cup with his two kids and we won’t see each other for two weeks. His birthday was coming up in June…a Gemini. I told him I would send a cute picture of myself for his birthday. I am so thoughtful and generous. HA!

Dear former lover girls, we aren’t out here doing girlfriend acts for people we are just getting to know. No photos!

During the world cup he was sending me videos and staying in touch, I sent him a selfie on his birthday. He had a weird way of flirting where I would send kissy face emojis and he would say, ‘where?’ and I would ignore it lol then one time I said, on the tip of your nose.

I could puke everywhere.

He got back from the world cup…it’s my birthday. I got a passive text message from him all it said was: all good? I say, ‘Yup! Just enjoying my Birthday!’ He sent me a video apologizing saying he didn’t realize that it was my birthday. It was a nice video, but still from our one conversation, I remembered his birthday. I specifically said to him, when you get back from your trip it will be my birthday as well!

Once he gets back he doesn’t follow up or try to make a single plan to hang out again. The day after he came back from his trip, he said he had injured himself playing soccer and is now walking around on crutches. Brutal.

A few days later I was at work and around 3pm he asked, “What time are you finished work?” I assume he is asking me because he wants to see me. I tell him 8pm. Then five hours later he texts back, 8:40pm he asks me, what are you up to? He said he had stumbled upon a new bar and sent me a video.

What? I didn’t get this text until after my shower where I had just washed my face thinking I was staying in for the night.

I thought he was on crutches? I told him to have fun but I wish he had asked to make plans five hours earlier.

All of this drama happened on July 5th and that’s when I posted my little rant about him on Tiktok and woke up to this:

WILD. If you want to see the TikTok for yourself you can visit it here.

Monday morning I text him:

Hi Viral Joe, I am disappointed that you haven’t made a proper date with me. Actions speak louder than words.

He says: me too, have to say. I am leaving to Spain this Wednesday. It doesn’t leave us much time. Saturday was a misfortune. When would you be free in the following days?

I said: I think I have seen enough to know that this isn’t something I am interested in entertaining anymore. It’s too bad. Good luck out there.

The amount of comments I received on that viral video that said they wouldn’t have given this man a chance after the first passive aggressive Tuesday date fiasco was wild, am I reallllyyy giving these men that many chances??

Regardless, and annoyingly, it all happens for a reason. Had I not met him and had this sequence of events, my blog never would have kicked off the way it has, and for that I am thankful. I don’t want to come from a place of man bashing but more of curiosity. People are interesting and I want to meet them. Oh and I genuinely want to find my best friend, a lover man who wants to add to my life, not take away.

I have started sharing my stories online because of the community and the comments. Some of you women are truly so funny and I love seeing your thoughts. Knowing that we are in this together will heal us. I see you and I love you! Maybe that bird shitting on me was lucky after all…

It will take another eleven months…

Here’s what happened.

It starts with two different French men…who are both the astrological sign of Taurus, which is the sign I love most. I am going to be calling everyone Joe from now on. So these two French Joe’s are from different French parts. One is from Paris, France and the other is from Quebec, Canada. Paris Joe slid into my DM’s on Instagram.

His instagram handle had the same nickname as the Australian Joe who I thought I was going to move to Sydney for. Literally the same nickname as the man who made me wanna quit dating three weeks earlier. What are the f’ing odds? Especially because it was such a unique name. Never met a name like this in in my life, and now I’ve met two in less than a month?!

SINEAD, ARE WE NOT TAKING THE HINT!?

I wish I could write their real names because they both shared the same nickname but the core name was different. Both their instagrams had the same nickname as their handle…weird, right??

Anyways, I’m on Paris Joe’s Insta and at first glance I like his style, and he makes art. We start chatting and talking about our ages. I am thinking we are guessing our ages and he thinks that we are telling our ages but I don’t realize this until after. So because of the communication barrier he thinks we are admitting our age...

I guessed his age at 33.

He thinks I am saying that I am 33.

He says ‘oh wow I thought you were my age’

And I ask, ‘What is your age?’

He says 27.

He is 12 years younger than me.

Well alright. sits up taller

I stay quiet and go along with being 33, bc who cares?

We went out on a dinner date and he is very sweet.

I told him my situation at the time: I am seeing if I want to move to Lisbon by living in a few different Airbnbs. If a good opportunity presents itself then I am willing to stay.

Around that time I needed to move from one Airbnb to another, except they were so close to each other I didn’t want to take an Uber. So he offers to help me move by rolling my luggage down the street. It was a ten minute walk. It was fun and he was entertaining. I enjoyed his accent and the way he teased me. There was a good vibe between us but it didn’t go anywhere.

That was at the end of January-February 2025.

February 2025 there is the Big Wave Competition in Nazaré. I was working at Wheelhouse that day. I had just done a tapping on surrendering. I wondered if I should take an Uber to Nazaré to see this once in a lifetime event. Who knows where I will be next February. Because I had just done a tapping on this exact thing, I was in the flow! LFG. I ordered an Uber.

While I am in the Uber I open up Hinge, and a guy that I am talking to happens to be at Nazaré at that moment. Another French guy from Canada, Quebec Joe. I message him when I get to Nazaré. I walk down the hill among a massive crowd of people. We try to find each other by texting photos of what we see around us. He emerged from the side of a mountain, he’s cute. We hung out the whole time. We smoked some weed and watched amazing surfers do amazing things.

He tells me he is traveling around Portugal and Spain for the winter in a rented camper van. Cool. I told him I considered doing that when I first got to Portugal, then realized it wasn’t for me at that time. I love a proper shower.

That day at Nazaré, we took so many photos and videos that both of our phones died. How am I going to order a Uber?

Quebec Joe with the camper van could not locate his camper van because his phone was dead. He told me that if he’s not sure where the van is, he will put on his computer’s device finder and follow that map to his laptop. We need to charge his phone.

He said we could go to the restaurant, get food and charge our phones…genius. We do that. Half way through the dinner we realize the phone charger isn’t charging! Then he goes to take money out of the ATM to pay for dinner and that doesn’t work either. It’s wild. Mercury retrograde things.

Finally the phones start charging and we stay in the restaurant while they clean and close up shop around us. It’s late. I considered staying in the van that night, with no funny business. We drove around to look for a nice place to camp out on. Somewhere close to the beach and have have a nice cuddle.

The next morning we woke up to the ocean sounds and looked in each other’s eyes and kissed. Disgusting. My worst nightmare tbh, a first kiss and with a hint of morning breath? Ugh, I guess lol

…it was still nice.

I guess I like this guy to be kissing him first thing in the morning…and we left it at that. We went for breakfast, I still had makeup on my face from the day before. A real class act. He paid for my Uber home, he was very sweet.

We stayed in touch while he was traveling and ended up having a few mini adventures together. A few weeks later I gave him his first tattoos. And in May 2025 I went to Canada and tattooed him again. He’s great! I like the connection we have.

After my lil camper van romance in February I figured I could date casually again. I told myself: I am in control. I will not get attached. So I got myself into a seven month long situationship with an Italian surfer. I go into more details on my substack.

After months of dating this man it was December 2025 and I was doing my second Date with Destiny online. At this point is has been exactly a year since the one week romance that happened with Australian Joe…I wondered if I had made any progress…I didn’t.

Each day during the Date with Destiny conference is different, and on this specific day it was relationship day. I decided to be vulnerable…I texted my Italian Surfer Joe and said, ‘“I miss you. I hope everything is going well in Italy, cant wait to see you again.”’

long story short, we break up.

read all about the break up here

Fuck Tony Robbins Relationship Day.

I decided that I should be celibate instead.

It’s been seven months since I have been intimate. (said like the old lady in titanic)

After months, years, of listening to popsychology on social media, I have decided that everyone is wrong and no one knows what they are doing. I can’t listen to another influencer’s tarot card reading about my love life.

I am so tired of the labels, are you an avoidant or an anxious attachment style. Are you a black cat or a golden retriever? I am tired of everyone playing games, or calling everyone a narcissist. I am tired of spiritual people thinking that they are matched with a twin flame, what the fuck is that?

Why are we over complicating this whole matter?

Oh right….for the sex.

So what if I take sex out of the equation altogether?

For the next year I will be documenting my dating journey on Substack. Weekly blogs about where I am at in order to see my own patterns and unravel my own beliefs around if I really want marriage and a long term partnership.

Some days I think I want a husband and the next I think I could never live with a man. I love being single but I wonder, what am I really missing out on?

Read more

I will dip into cities that I am traveling to and see if I can meet any locals. I have done this in Dubai, Nashville, Tulum…everywhere.

This time I decided to set my location for Toronto because I was heading back there to work at a tattoo shop for a month. I set it to a rich neighbourhood and started talking to a 55 year old man who works in the stock market in Toronto. Average Toronto Trader Joe. I said I will be visiting Toronto from Portugal in two weeks but maybe we can chat on the phone and see if there is a vibe. We set up a video chat. He’s cute.

We hit it off.

Ten days go by of texting.

During this time he had to go to Montreal to see his parents because his dad wasn’t doing well. Average Toronto Trader Joe and I had a phone call while he was on the train to Montreal and a call on the way back. He’s delightful. I am ready to make a plan to see him when I go to Toronto.

It’s my last week in Portugal before traveling and I am sitting on the beach with my friends. I get a WhatsApp notification on my phone saying I have been added to a group entitled ‘Next’. It’s too sunny out to see the screen so I leave it alone. I check it on the bus ride home. I see that Average Toronto Trader Joe adds me to a group of ten other women, but at some point removes himself from the group. Sus.

I sent him a message asking what this group is all about.

He writes: Oh sorry about that, can you please remove yourself from the group? I made a group to let my friends know the next step in my dad’s recovery. My mom said it wasn’t a good idea and I should remove the group. So if you could remove yourself from the group that would be great.

In my head: K. Red flag. So, you’re only friends with ten beautiful women from the ages of 35-40? You made a group and your, (I am guessing) 80 year old mother told you to delete a WhatsApp group? Does she even know what a WhatsApp is?

What I did: nothing.

WHICH I REGRET! I wish I had said something in the chat. I wish I had asked all those women how they were doing. I wish I asked them ‘what do you think this group is all about?’ I wish I had stirred the pot a little.

I did nothing. I never met up with him or talked to him after that. I don’t live in Toronto, so what is the point?

Two days ago I made a story on instagram saying that I don’t normally make resolutions for New Years but I decided that I am not dating men for 2025. I got a lot of hearts on that post, then the next day as I scrolled through my explore page there were nonstop cute couples post.

Ugh.

Two posts in a row about a man opening a door for their lady. Another of a guy who got his wife’s name tattooed on his wrist. Then an ad for Bumble dating with a girl exclaiming, “let me share how I met the love of my life”.

Omg, shut up.

Then right after that bumble ad there is another reel of a man gushing about how beautiful his wife is. Okay universe, fine…I get iiitttt, eye roll….but can I share with you why I came to this ‘not dating men’ conclusion in the first place?

At the end of 2023 and beginning of 2024 I was on the dating app Hinge. At this time I was in Dubai staying with my bestie. Dating apps feel exotic and when you’re outside of your homeland. I met a man who grew up in Dubai and he was fascinating. I was enthralled immediately.

We took a road trip to Abu Dhabi and he taught me all about the United Arab Emirates, (UAE). We went to the Louvre museum and I loved every second, it was so much fun. He entertained all my cheesy tourist ideas. That same night we went out to dinner at a freaking palace.

We spent nearly 24hrs together on our first date and it was perfect, everything just flowed…and no we didn’t sleep together. The next day he treated me to a three hour spa treatment; it was an hour long hammam, hour long facial, and hour long massage. The next day he helped me put together a gratitude package for my bestie and then he took me out to dinner again. He asked if I wanted to go camp in the desert under a new moon (which we didn’t do but I loved the gesture). Then on my last day in Dubai he drove me to the airport and I never heard from him again.

February I was in Turks and Caicos staying with a friend and still on Hinge. I met a sexy South African sailor man who I was immediately attracted to. He was charming and handsome and tall and had very nice hands. We went on three dates, my favourite being the one where we stayed in listening to my favourite YouTube playlist while I cooked us steak and roasted veggies. That night felt like we were a couple living together. I loved it, thinking, ‘oh dis is so nice’.

At the end of March I flew to Florida to support my parents during a health scare. I asked Mr. South Africa if he wanted to stay in touch and meet up sometime in the future. He said no. As someone who loves traveling, doesn’t have a fixed address, and just had three exceptional dates with over a month of communication I assumed he would have said ‘hell yes’. But no…so I was like okay cool, bye I guess?

A few months later he would hit me up and we would meet again, have a romantic getaway, live our best lives, just to have him tell me one more time that he wasn’t interested in staying in touch, let alone attempt anything long distance. WHEN WILL I LEARN?!

Spoiler: I WON’T! Let’s continue this charade…

In April I was back in Canada and I had just made a big purchase with Tony Robbins so I stayed home to work and make up for dipping into my savings. I still had Hinge and I went on three or four dates. Nothing noteworthy.

Then one of my clients said I should download the dating app called the League. Every day at 5pm you get three new matches. I thought this was great, instead of wasting my time mindlessly scrolling through men the League sends me three matches and I can say yes or no. I met one guy on there who happened to know my client who told me about the app.

Small world..?

He said he would pick me up from work and we can go get a coffee. In his texting he said, “I am picking you up in my Porsche”. I said, “Okay great”, unimpressed by his car…then his follow up text said, “Just kidding I drive a KIA”. Okay I literally did not give a fuck about your car and now I weirdly do. The moment he picked me up I wanted to throw myself out of the moving vehicle, whether it was a Porsche or KIA, it was not a match.

After that date I deleted all dating apps. I swore off the apps for the rest of my life. (ha!) It is impossible to know whether you have a connection with someone unless you meet them in person. Dating apps are shallow and basic and boring. YOU ARE ALL SO BORING!!!!!

Sorry I am getting ranty but this is why you’re here, right?

I kept that promise to myself all the way until I went to Tulum in September. I didn’t want to go on any dating apps but my friend was like, “that is a perfect place to meet someone who aligns with you”, and she wasn’t wrong. So I paid $16 in roaming charges to get a code texted to me and reinstalled Hinge. I went on zero dates.

While I was in Tulum I was chatting with a guy who I had met at Tony Robbin’s Business Mastery in August. He was saying how amazing it would be to fly to Tulum and get tattooed by a hot enlightened babe and blah blah blah, did he ever come?

Of course not.

We should circle back to this genius. At first he was sweet, charming and flirty. We would run into each other at the business conference and be cute. He asked me to hang out outside of the conference so we made plans to go on a little date, then last minute he changed his mind and said we should go to a bar where all his friends are. I was annoyed because I would rather be hanging out with my friends then his but I thought maybe I could meet some new people. So we meet up and we are about to get a cab to go to the bar and he’s looking at his phone…there is a girl dancing seductively basically saying ‘get here now’.

I say ‘is that your friend?’

And he’s like yeah but there are other people there too.

Hmmm.

We get to the bar and he beelines it to the dance floor to chat with this chick and completely abandoned me. I ended up walking over to a pool table and chatting up the guys who were playing there while I texted my friends to come save me. So rude.

I see the guy who bailed on me again at Date with Destiny and he offers to walk me home one night and while I am about to give his dolt more of my precious time he says, oh we should wait, I told another girl I would walk her home too. ARE YOUUUUU KIDDDINNNNGGG MEEEE? Way to make a girl feel less than special. Goodbye forever.

Let’s go back to Tulum…during this time I was also chatting with a guy friend I met in Costa Rica at a ayahuasca retreat. We had great convos about relationships and the polarity between feminine and masculine energy, it was refreshing. I asked him if he wanted to go to Unleash the Power Within (a four day Tony Robbins event in New Jersey) in November with me.

He said yes.

I figured this may be a great person to go with to discuss these fem/mas polarities and heal our dating wounds. We did share an airbnb but with separate rooms. During Unleash the Power Within we had to discuss our limiting beliefs that were holding us back, one of mine being ‘men consistently let me down’. In this blog post alone I have enough proof to back this belief.

Let me assure you, I really want to think men are great, I really do. BUT on two separate occasions during the conference I saw this guy looking at photos of half naked chicks dressed like Dallas cowboy cheerleaders and he was zooming in on their body. Immediate ick. Immediate ick. Here I was thinking I would meet some exceptional men in these personal development spaces and that is not the case…which will become resoundingly clear at the end of this blog post.

I tried to undo the ‘men consistently let me down’ belief by gaslighting myself into believing that’s not true. The friend that I went to Unleash with said, “clearly I have ‘expectations”. Umm okay…well…I don’t have these outlandish expectations on people, I expect people to be decent human beings…and men seem to struggle with that.

As I constantly say to my bestie of 25 years, I would LOVE to be shocked by a good man. I would LOVE to be wrong about men. Then I went to Date with Destiny in December and for about a week, I thought maybe I was wrong. Are you ready for this doozy of a story?

Date with Destiny is a six day event, if you want to get a sneak peak of it then I recommend checking out “I am not your Guru” on Netflix. They dedicate one day as ‘relationship day’ and I was really looking forward to that for obvious reasons.

As much as I blame men for being self absorbed pieces of shit, I also have a hand in my own brutal attempts at being in a relationship. I am pointing the finger at me here and asking, why? Why you like this? Why do you love emotionally unavailable men? Why do you have avoidant tendencies ? Why? Why? Whhhhyyyyy?

On the second day of DWD we are put into groups that we sit with for the remainder of the event. An attractive man in my group comes up to me and asks me to help him wrap our team bandana around his hand. I linger for a bit wondering what this immediate attraction is, and then I go outside for some fresh air during our short 30min break.

I am on WhatsApp sending a voice memo to my bestie and the attractive man walks out to chat. We have a great conversation and as we are walking back in he asks why I am at DWD. I tell him that I am unsure of where I want to live and I feel like I am stuck in a rut. Then I say, “I am also interested in healing my relationship wounds, I tend to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men”.

He immediately says, “Well, I am not emotionally unavailable and when I saw you walk by me I thought to myself, there she is”

I was a bit taken aback by this and I said, “oh really? What does that mean?”

He tells me that when he pictures his dream girl she is the perfect combo of both of his ex’s; one is dark feminine and the other is light feminine and I look like the combination of both of them. This should have been a red flag, right?

I am a bit shy after he says this and that’s when I realize I am attracted to this man.

Shit.

I only get shy and awkward when I like someone, so this was my first butterfly in stomach moment. That day we end up getting an hour long break to grab lunch. I was walking back to my Airbnb to make some oatmeal so I invited him along. We talked non stop.

I made us both some oatmeal and we sat by the pool.

He googled ‘are Aries men and Cancer women were a great match?’ Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively (ew) popped up and he told me how much he loved their relationship (red flag) and blah blah blah. He went off. He was smothering me in affection and I loved it. To quote a favourite meme of mine: love bombing wouldn’t work on me. I would just be like thank you this is exactly the appropriate amount of love. Ramp it up actually.

The following two days he sat beside me during the event, saying all the right things, telling me how beautiful I am, how amazing I am, how he’s always been attracted to a strong independent woman because he can ‘handle it’. Then during the middle of someone talking on stage he looks at me and asks if I want children…I told him that was a loaded question and to ask me later. I am not going to even get into that conversation on here because it’s so WTactualF.

Then relationship day comes around and we are meeting a ton of couples who had met at Date with Destiny and went off to marry and live beautiful lives. I can’t help but get caught up in it all. I am starting to feel like I met my match, he is sitting right beside me. We were supporting each other through the whole experience. We were holding hands and canoodling and kissing and dancing and singing and everything felt great.

Everything was great.

At one point we were across the room from each other in separate groups and we locked eyes, he blew me a kiss and I caught it in the air and slapped it on my face. Cringe. I could go on and on about all the cringey cuteness but there is no point.

Everyone in our group saw the connection, to the point of one woman showing me a tattoo shop in Australia that I could work at (that’s where he lives). It’s insane to think I was considering moving to Sydney, that’s how much I believed. On our last day we were sad to leave each other, we had just experienced long days of vulnerable conversations, long days of ripping ourselves open and throwing our hearts on the table, long days of dissecting our flaws and celebrating our triumphs. It was like dating in hyper speed.

I look up to Sage and Tony Robbins, I love their relationship and to me they are hashtag goals. Obviously this love bombing man knew this and he said that he loved that Sage and Tony both started as friends. He said that we should stay in touch and build a friendship and see where this goes, no pressure, no nothing.

To me this was a better conversation than I had with the South African dude.

At least this guy wanted to stay in touch and ‘see where this goes’. We kissed goodbye and talked on Whatsapp nonstop. I was on a three hour train ride to another city so I called my bestie and we talked the entire trip. She was so happy for me, like, FINALLY someone who is putting in the effort to be with me and see me as the shining star that I am! It was so nice.

While I was in Florida the love bomber asked if he could visit me in Toronto on his way back to Sydney. I WAS ELATED. I called my Toronto friends, made plans, figured it all out. Now my mom was involved and she was over the moon. Four hours later he said never mind. Ouff. At first he said it was logistical and I completely understood. Of course I was disappointed but I wasn’t going to hold that against him, I tried to find a solution and then he sent me this text:

The truth is Sinéad I respect you too much to not be honest with you, even at the cost of you feeling let down by me, so I’d like to share the below: The truth is, while I am sincerely depleted, I do understand the yolo gesture and pulling the energy out of me because it’s so worth it given the perfect timing; the truth that I wanted to explain to you over FaceTime is that I’m not sure enough of us, to do that. 3 days is a lot to put on us both I feel, and I know when I’m with you I’ll definitely get caught in the chemistry and emotion. It would be gorgeous and romantic, and we’d for sure become even more bonded together. But then we’d have to let go, and if I’m not sure enough on us now, then it doesn’t feel right to get you to spend 3 more cuddly days with me and yolo it, then have to let go at the end of it. I do hope you understand 🙏🏼 I just want to keep it honest about where I’m at.

COOL. COOL. COOL. COOOL. COOOOOOOOOOL. So it wasn’t logistical at all. What broke me was the “I’m not sure enough of us”. I was so confused…how do you go from calling me this rare beautiful woman to not being sure? We just spent days in the most intense emotional bootcamp of all time. We got to know each other deeply, our values, our wants, our needs, our goals. He was allllll about me and beyond. So, the ‘not sure enough on us’? WTactualF is that? How about you’re just a love bombing manipulator? How about that? You didn’t give me any space to meet anyone else in that room…instead you selfishly took all my time under the guise of calling me your dream girl. I was never your dream girl.

Trust me when I say I wanna find a lesson in this but sometimes there isn’t a lesson, sometimes people are just shitty. The limiting belief I have that ‘men consistently let me down’ is so ingrained in my soul that I can’t imagine who can convince me otherwise.

Anyways my response to that text was:

Ouff. I think that hurts even more….that you don’t think enough of us? How do you even know?? Why would you say you miss me? I am so confused. I don’t think you are willing to give us a chance. Thank you for your honesty but I can’t just be friends.

After I sent him that text he tried calling me but I was on the phone with my friend Danny who was facilitating a tapping for me…I really freaking needed it. I ignored his call and his texts for 24hours and when I got off the plane back in Canada he texted me one final time. He sent a link to a video of Sage and Tony Robbins talking about the 5 Disciplines of Love You Need to Master for Lasting Relationships and because I believed this guy wanted to figure things out, I texted him back:

Hey, you’re not wrong about miscommunication over text but reading ‘not enough’ more than once felt like a knife through the heart. Date with Destiny was overwhelming. I was vulnerable and sensitive. I let my guard down and I’m grateful for our time together but I can’t help but feel a bit delusional about the whole thing. I got lost in the DWD sauce and that’s on me. I’m back home now and I would be happy to chat with you because I do have a lot of love for you. I hope you’re reconnecting with yourself in NYC and enjoying that magical city. And I am genuinely happy to see that you texted me when I had service again.

Wow, I am, like, so sweet. Or a doormat? You can let me know in the comments below.

We did end up talking on the phone and I felt like our conflict resolution and conversation was really mature, a breath of fresh air. We continued to talk for another two weeks. Obviously it was all too good to be true. Eventually he said he was being inappropriate because he was clearly attracted to me and we weren’t acting ‘like friends’.

Yeah, duh, you fucking idiot.

Then on Dec 28th everything finally ended. This dude clearly doesn’t know what he wants…at one point during our last conversation he said ‘“you know I don’t think I’ll be ready to have kids for another four years and by then”…(yeah just say it douchebag…I’ll be too old). As much as this guy tried to be diplomatic he just kept saying all the wrong things. Goodbye forever.

I absolutely got caught up in my emotions. I was in a vulnerable, weakened, tired, hungry and irrational. I get caught up in the chemistry and connection. I was willing to fly across the world to be with this fucking dude who couldn’t even make a three hour flight to Toronto.

Girl, you crazy.

I fully romanticize my life and no one else does. DON’T YOU WANT TO BE IN A ROMCOM?! I want someone to romanticize life with, and for a week I thought I had. UGH. I want to believe in love, I really do but this last one really threw me, like, do I even know what’s real anymore? I fear that last year and my last real break up that have lead me to this jaded place. So in lieu of all of this BS I am giving up on dating…again…even though it feels like I am running out of time. I am trying to be gentle with myself and know that I am a good person who deserves a secure, stable, loving, beautiful relationship.

I can’t stand all the pop psychology about dating. All the rules and games. I think if two people really like each other that should be it. Right? Why can’t it be that easy? It’s rare that I have an instant connection with a guy…I know it doesn’t sound like it from this blog post, but it’s true. It’s so rare to have a genuine connection with someone…and all these dudes are just like, yeah, whatever, waiting for the next best thing while they continue to watch my stories on instagram.

I said it before and I will say it again, I can’t wait to be shocked…but for now I’ll just continue to make my dream life a reality while they all watch from the sidelines, losers.

Just over a month ago I was in Costa Rica at a beautiful resort called Finca Austria that overlooked a valley of lush green mountains. The view was spectacular. I was staying in a shared house in the jungle with strangers who would later become friends.

At that time I was wrestling with the idea that I needed to change something deep inside of me. I wanted to find out what was ‘wrong’ with me. Why do I feel so restless? Why do I have a two year itch? 2023 was a year of heartbreak, a slew of bad dates, being violated in my own home, while dealing with terrible landlords. My heart was hardening.

I wanted to try ayahuasca but I was afraid of the idea of shitting and puking in front of strangers. I knew that I had to be on a special diet of no alcohol or drugs two weeks before ceremony. When I got the email to join this group in Costa Rica I had been off weed for two months and off alcohol for over three years. The retreat was to take place on November 11th, my four year sober anniversary. That’s when I knew this was my call to the medicine. This would be memorable, especially if I shit myself.

I have done mushrooms more than a handful of times, like, a lot. I have surrendered to hallucinogens and had deep epiphanies about my life. I was ready for the next level. I was ready for a retreat in the wilderness surrounded by open minded people.

I was ready to meet myself. I was ready to meet mother aya and have her speak some sense into me. I was ready. So I set up an introductory call with the facilitator, Pattie, I put down my deposit and I counted down the days that I would be in Costa Rica.

On November 8th I was in a shuttle driving from the airport to Nosara with several other attendees. The three hour drive was a spiritual awakening in itself. The last hour was especially unnerving because we were driving on unpaved roads with no 4 wheel drive and getting stuck in potholes filled with rain. Several times the group thought it would be better to get out and lighten the load but the driver persevered.

The final part of this journey was a doozy, there was an enormous mountain the vehicle had to climb, but on the top of that mountain was our home for the next few days, Finca Austria, we were almost there! I don’t know how many times I yelled ‘giver, bud’ in the most canadian accent I could muster. It seemed to work, we made it!

The retreat was split into people who stayed in the villa on the top of the mountain and people who stayed in a shared space at the bottom in the jungle, I stayed in the jungle. Every morning we had to climb that monster hill and every night after drinking the medicine we had to decend, it felt like forever.

One time as we climbed up the mountain the vehicle was really struggling and we started going backward down the hill. The driver stopped and asked us all to the sit in the very back of the shuttle and we started to ascend again. Saved by the booty gains!

The entire retreat was absolutely amazing . The food was prepared by a private chef who created nutritious meals from locally sourced farmers and markets. The environment was beautiful. The hostels in the jungle were surrounded by lush forest. We had a small pool and and outdoor shower.

At the back of our villa there was a covered pergola that overlooked the mountains and a river. The sound of the river was peaceful, it was a serene place to sit and journal. The villa on the top of the mountain was stunning. It overlooked the entire valley. There was an infinity pool and a hammock, and the view from that hammock was the best I have ever seen…so far.

Then there was the sacred medicine space. It was a large covered outdoor space, twinkle lights hung from the ceiling, tropical flowers, plants, and large trees surrounded the outskirts. I watched a hummingbird eat from a flower. Another time I saw a family of monkeys swing from tree to tree. There was a grassy knoll and a steep hill, we were warned not to get close to that hill when on the medicine.

Good call.

When we entered the space we were told to stay silent, we were entering ceremony. Our mattresses were laid out in a semi circle facing the shamans (who don’t like being called shamans). I always made sure my mattress was right next to the small grassy knoll so I could ground myself in nature. Our mattresses were accompanied by a pillow, a blanket, tissues, paper towel and a puke bucket. Here we go.

For three nights in a row we drank ayahuasca in ceremony. The first two nights started at 7pm and went until about midnight. The last night started at 11pm and went until sunrise.

During ceremony you take two cups of the medicine. The ‘shamans’ talk for a bit, play some music and we are cleansed. We all line up to receive our first cup. Maybe an hour or two later (what is time) you take the second cup or not, it is up to you. I took the second cup all three nights.

I bought the ticket, so I am taking the ride.

I can safely say that I did not have a bad experience. I know a few people who did. Some people had a bad first night and didn’t want to participate again. But they persevered and were happy to have done so. I know this because after every ceremony we do a integration circle the next morning where we discuss our experiences.

What I experienced was so profoundly special that I don’t want to put it all out there for the world to read but I will share some important highlights. After the first night my bunk mate and I expressed how good we felt. We felt like it was like a beautiful introduction to the medicine, ayahuasca was building trust with us.

During the first night I was so enamoured with my feet. I was convinced they were having a love affair. I would rub them together like a cricket under my blankets and get all giddy. It felt like the beginning of a relationship where you can’t get enough of each other. I was obsessed. I tell this story to my bunkmate and we are just laughing and having a grand ol’ time.

After we explain our experiences she says that she is nervous about the second night, ‘What if it’s not as good as the first night. What if we experience a bad trip like some of the others’. I start getting nervous too. Then I stop and say, “but what if it gets better? What is if gets better than we can even imagine?”

The second night was more powerful. I felt like it was my ‘dark night of the soul’ but nothing I couldn’t handle. There were moments of sadness, remembering things of my past that I was holding onto. During this time the music that was playing started to get dark, I could feel energy moving through my body. It was trapped in my stomach and starting to make its way up, I peeled myself off the mattress and leaned into my bucket. I wasn’t purging food, I was purging energy.

I have had stomach issues for years, anxiety belly is real. This is what was moving through me. Food anxiety. Social anxiety. Worry. All of this was coming to the surface. I was releasing. It wasn’t awful like I had feared, I felt neutral, I felt relieved. It felt right.

Once that sensation had past I started crying out of happiness. I walked through the fire and I was on the other side. I was rewarded. I was rewarded with so much beauty and love that words cannot express the magnitude of it all. It’s like I got fucked by the universe and it was the best sex I have ever had.

The next day at integration when it came time for me to share, I started crying. I couldn’t get words out. They had to skip past me. I was crying tears of joy and happiness. I have never felt such unconditional love before now. It was potent. When my turn came back around I told the story I had told you, about talking with my bunkmate about how good it can get.

And it’s true.

It can be better than you could ever imagine and I lived it. We are conditioned to believe the worse, to protect ourselves at all costs. We look for danger because it is in our biology. We are no longer running from sabertooth tigers so maybe we can learn to chill. Maybe we can start expecting the best possible outcome. Maybe instead of thinking fearful thoughts about the future we think of the best possible outcome. What if it gets worse? No, my darling, what if it gets better than you could ever imagine?!

The third night was the all nighter and it wasn’t as strong as the previous two nights but it was rewarding. I didn’t want to sleep because I wanted to be in the magic of it all. The message that came to me was that I didn’t need to change anything about myself. I am perfect the way I am. I am constantly trying my best and that’s all I have to do. There is nothing inherently wrong with me. I am pure love. I radiate joy. I am blessed beyond measure. I have so much potential to do anything I want to and more.

My life is absolutely wonderful. Even when there is hardship, I perservere. I can handle anything that is thrown my way. I chose this life, this body. I am a soul having a human experience and it has never been more clear. I am treating my vessel with the utmost respect. It’s as simple as slowing down when I eat and chewing my food well. It’s taking a moment to be grateful before I eat. It’s being mindful and present in each and every moment. Do not ruminate about the past or obsess about the future. Everything happens when it is suppose to happen, there is no rush.

A Lao Tzu quote I love, “nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished”.

The most difficult part of this trip was coming home. My flight home was an absolute shit show. It shook me awake to the reality of the world. I was in the aisle seat and a couple sat next to me. A 70 year old Indian man sat on my lap trying to avoid the drink cart passing by. Some woman handed my a piece garbage off the ground and when I said it wasn’t mine she put it at my feet. I was sitting in between two families who had 8 kids between them. I might as well have been sitting in between a chaotic kindergarten classroom.

It was unruly.

After making WTF eyes to the guy next to me we started talking. Him and his wife had flown to Costa Rica a month earlier and said that on their flight some guy some smuggling drugs up his butt. They must of exploded because he was tripping out. It took six people to apprehend him and zip tie him to a chair. The plane made an emergency landing in Atlanta and the man was taken away. Okay, so comparatively my flight wasn’t that bad. When I finally got into my bed that night my feet started rubbing together, I was brought back to that first night with ayahuasca.

I felt giddy all over again.

I didn’t work for a few days after the trip so I could just chill. It was nice to stay home and marinate on the experience. However; the overcast of Toronto and the reality of the world dawned on me and I slipped into a sad state. The news is horrific. Mainstream media lies. People are afraid of real love. This world is going to hell in a hand basket.

What is this life?! Ugh.

I think everyone in power should do ayahuasca or MDMA or mushrooms or something that reminds them that they are human and vessels of love and light and not hate and destruction. UGH! And then I grab my journal and reread what I wrote over those three days of plant medicine and as Celine Dion sings, “it’s all coming back to me nooowwww”

I am the vessel of love and light. It is my responsibility to show up in my highest good. I should love without conditions and expectations. The ones who stick around will be worthy and the ones that don’t, well you can keep all the love I gave you…you probably need it more than me.

I am so full of love that I am overflowing with it. The world can be a shitty place but it can also be the most magical, beautiful, expansive, wonderful place of all time! Think of sunsets! Think of baby animals! Think of your feet having a love affair and you’re the only one who knows it! My life is joyful and silly and creative and uniquely mine!

I wish for all people on this big beautiful planet to feel that way about their lives. You don’t have to sit with medicine to do that. You can feel it right now, through a memory of laughter or a great piece of music. You can feel so fully alive that you’re changing the frequency of the world!

What an exciting thought. What an exciting life. I am so in love with my life.

So long story short (ha!) I would absolutely do it again. 10/10 would recommend.